October 12: Evelyn

When I’m being touched, something ignites in me. He runs his fingertips lightly over my thighs and it feels like razor blades are pricking my skin. He slides his tongue over all of the right places- below my ears, over my collarbone, my top lip. The weight of him crushes down on my ribs. But the pain is okay; I like it, even. His cologne drives me over the edge, mixed with car grease and cigarettes. The smell swirls in my head until I’m dizzy. His hand moves clumsily under my skirt. He cuts off my moans with his teeth, biting my bottom lip. He kisses me until we’re both done. I fill myself with his kiss, his hand, his smell. I am completely and intimately intoxicated.
Intimacy leaves the worst hangover.
“Jesus.” Riley climbs off of me and moves into the front seat of my Nova. He lights a cigarette without rolling down the window.
“Right?” I sit up, leaving my shirt unbuttoned. I run my fingers through my hair and reach for my lip gloss.
We both steady our breathing, him with his cigarette and me with my makeup. I pop a mint in my mouth and lean back in the seat. He hands me the cigarette and I take a slow drag before handing it back to him.
“I’ve got a test in history,” I mumble. “Fuck me.”
“Again?” Riley chuckles.
“Funny.” I take the cigarette from him and pull from it. “What’s going on tonight?”
“What do you mean?” He takes the cigarette back.
“I mean what are we doing tonight? Did you want to go to the football game? Because I’m taking my sister out to dinner, but I’m free after that. And I was thinking-“
“I don’t know.” Riley shrugs. “I might have stuff to do.”
“Stuff? What stuff?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He pulls his jacket on and lights another cigarette. “I just might be busy. You’re not my only priority, you know.”
“Whatever, Riley.” I put my heels on and open the door. “It’s not like I was asking you out on a date. I just thought maybe we could do something besides fuck every once in a while.”
“But why?” He gets out and puts his arm around my waist. “We’re so good at it.”
“Get off of me.” I push him away.
“Chill out, Ev. I was just kidding.” He reaches for my hand but I turn away and head towards the school. “Evelyn!”
“No.”
He grabs my arm and I react. I spin around and push him as hard as I can, pounding my tiny fists into his chest. I think I probably hurt myself more than I hurt him, but I don’t care.
“I said no!” My face gets hot and my eyes burn.
“Easy, girl.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and completely ignores the fact that I just pushed all of my weight into him. He stutters for a second. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t mean to; I just wanted to get your attention.”
I don’t say anything, just breath out in quick, heavy gasps.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “I’m sorry, I just-“
“It’s all good.” He puts his arms around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. In this moment I feel closer to him than I ever have before. Is he actually showing some sort of empathy? Or is he just scared to lose my ass? Either way, I breathe relief and embarrassment into his shirt.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry.” He buries his hands in my hair. “We’ll go to the game tonight, okay? I’m not busy.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, girl.” He kisses my forehead. “I’m gonna smoke another one. Good luck on your test.”
“Thanks.”
He pats my butt when I turn away. Not too much empathy, I guess.

Forty-five minutes into my exam, the page is still blank. In hindsight, maybe I didn’t know as much about the Aztecs as I thought I did. I reread the five exam questions over and over again. Mr. McCloy’s instructions were to pick the three we knew the most about and answer them in a detailed essay. I consider asking him what we should do if we don’t know anything about any of them, but considering he can barely stand me as it is, I decide against it.
I curse the girl sitting next to me, who is writing so fast I think she might snap her wrist. I spend the rest of the period searching my brain for something- anything that I can write about. All of my thoughts come back to Riley. Why is it that I can remember exactly where he put his hands last night, or what he was wearing last Tuesday, but I cannot remember a single thing about the Mesozoic Era? I scribble a few sentences for each question. When the bell rings, I turn my paper in and avoid any sort of eye contact with Mr. McCloy. He just looks at my paper and shakes his head. What exactly did he expect?

At lunch, I fight with Riley and he tells me he is skipping the pep rally. We sit in the corner at our usual table and he pulls on my hair while he eats his pizza.
“I’ll go with you,” I tell him. I take a cookie from his tray and eat it.
He shakes his head. “You can’t. I’m going to go to the shop early.”
“Oh,” I mumble and eat the rest of the cookie. “So what am I supposed to do?”
He shrugs. “Go to the pep rally. It won’t be that bad, I’m sure.”
“Then why aren’t you going?”
“I have to get my hours in, Ev.” He finishes his pizza. “You want me to be able to go to the game right? I can’t just not show up for work.”
“Alright.”
“Pick me up around seven. Cool?” He stands up with his tray.
I cross my arms and sigh. “Sure.”
“Good. I’ll see you tonight.”
He dumps his tray and leaves without kissing me, hugging me, or even smiling. It is like he didn’t even notice that I was mad. Funny how guys have selective ignorance. Unable to do anything about it, I dump my tray and head to the woodshop room when the bell rings.
Tyler is sitting at our station when I get there. He is dressed in faded blue jeans, a blue and green flannel shirt, and a hat. Such a Southern boy. When he sees me he smiles. His smile is beautiful and big, his teeth perfect. He’s good. Too good.
“Hey Tyler.” I throw my notebook down and sit on the stool next to him. “Ready for this pep rally?”
“My first Chicago pep rally.” He smiles. “I guess I’m excited. What about you?”
“If it means getting me out of class for a little bit, I’m definitely excited.” I laugh and so does he. His laugh is so playful, so innocent. I wonder if he has ever kissed a girl. He has to have, with his perfect mouth.
He looks around the room. “Where’s your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I sneer. “And Riley is skipping. School spirit kind of cramps his style, I guess.”
“I see.” Tyler rolls his eyes. “You should sit with me.”
His notion is so unexpected that I don’t answer for a few seconds. “Sure. Okay.”
“Sweet.” He turns to face Mr. Henley, who goes over the pep rally rules and instructions. My eyes trace the lines of his shirt. I get lost for a moment in the maze and don’t snap out of it until the bell rings and everyone gets up to head to the gym.
I follow Tyler and the rest of my class to the gym. All of the juniors file in at the top of the bleachers. Tyler and I sit in the farthest corner against the wall.
“How has your day been?” He asks. I cannot help but wonder if he actually cares. And if he does- why?
“Well, I failed my history test this morning,” I grumble. I think about how I skipped first period to hang out with Riley in the back seat of my car. I decide Tyler does not need to know about that. “The rest of the day has been okay, I guess.”
“You don’t like history?” he asks.
I shrug. “Not really. I’m terrible at remembering things.”
“I love history.” He smiles. “If you ever need any help, I’d be happy to tutor you. You can come over any time. My mom, she makes great mac and cheese. She’d love to have you over for dinner sometime.”
I don’t know if he is hitting on me, or if he just feels bad for me. Some part of me doesn’t really care. And the other part of me doesn’t know what to say. So like an idiot, I don’t say anything.
I remain seated for the entire pep rally. Tyler stands up and cheers, like a good student with school pride. When Ruby speaks, I tune her out and imagine her having a heart attack in the middle of the gym floor. Then I decide that would be terrible because people would just talk about her even more, and send her flowers and cards. Poor Ruby. Bless her heart.
When Samantha and Anderson give their speeches, I close my eyes and lean back against the wall. Pep rallies should be optional. I should not have to submit to the torture of watching Five Points’ president and first lady be glorified by all of their followers with their red pompoms and confetti. When it is finally over, Tyler and I walk to the parking lot together.
“Are you going to the game?” I ask him.
“I’m not sure. My sister Lily just moved up here with my grandparents, so we might be doing family stuff.”
“Sister?” I didn’t know he had any siblings. Then again, I guess I never really knew much about him.
“Twin sister, actually.” He nods. “She doesn’t look anything like me, though.”
We stop at my car. “Why did she move up here so late?”
“Just… reasons.” He shrugs. “Anyway, maybe I’ll see you at the game.”
“Yeah,” I mumble. For some reason I want to keep pushing him about this sister. “Have fun with your sister. I’m getting ready to go see mine.”
“You have fun, too.” He smiles and waves. “Goodbye, Evelyn.”
When he’s gone, I get into my car and start it. Something weird is happening and I cannot figure it out. Tyler Green is something special, something new. And I am desperate to climb out of the old.


My sister lives with my grandparents on the other side of town. It’s not much nicer than my side, but she seems to like it okay. Not that she really has much of a choice. When I pull into the driveway, Celia is waiting on the porch. She is practically in the car before I can get out.
“Is Nonna home?”
She opens the door on the passenger side and nods. “She’s in there. Cooking something.”
“Well can you give me a minute to say hey to her?” I close my door. “What’s your hurry?”
She shrugs. “I’m just hungry.”
Everyone tells me we could be twins, but I don’t see it. Her hair is long and wavy and looks like honey. Her skin is like honey, too. She’s lighter than me and skinnier, too. She is wearing too much eyeliner and lip gloss, her shirt is too low-cut, and her jeans are too tight. She looks exactly like me when I was her age. Maybe we could be twins.
She follows me into the house, which is smaller than mine. The place smells like sugar and basil, the bittersweet smell of Italy and memories. I hear my grandma chopping away at something in the kitchen and follow the sound.
“Hey, Nonna.”
She puts the knife down and smiles wide. She’s short and plump, with golden skin that’s barely wrinkled. The kitchen is small and she makes use of every inch of it. Baking pans and tomatoes are on every counter. She laughs her loud, hearty laugh and cradles my head in her hands.
“My angel.” She stares at me. “How are you, angel?”
“I’m good, Nonna.” When she finally lets go of my head, I reach for a cannoli and bite half of it. “Where’s Nonno?”
“He’s doing work.” She turns back to her cutting board and chops an onion. “How is school? You’re doing okay?”
“I’m doing okay,” I assure her. “I’m passing.”
Celia leans against the wall, clearly uninterested and ready to leave. I shoot her a glance; she sighs and types away on her phone.
“I’m sure you are okay.” Nonna’s accent is thick with Sicilian blood. “I miss you; your Nonno misses you too, you know.”
“I know. I’ll come by more,” I lie. “School is just hard right now.”
She nods. “You could stay here for dinner. I will make manicotti. That is still your favorite, no?” She claps her hands together.
“Still my favorite.” I would love to spend the evening stuffing myself full of Nonna’s free manicotti and antipasto. I look at Celia, who’s eyes are begging me to say no. “But, I already told Celia we’d get Japanese.”
Nonna nods slowly and I can tell she’s sad. Lonely, maybe. “Okay. You girls be careful.” She wraps her arms around my neck and whispers, “ti voglio bene.”
“I love you too, Nonna.” I kiss both of her cheeks. “I’ll see you soon.”
With that, I follow Celia out of the house.
“Finally,” she groans.
“What the hell is your problem?” And then I remember. She is fourteen- that is her problem. “Forget it. Let’s go eat.”
I start the car and pull out of the driveway. Neither of us say anything for the first few minutes. It always starts like this.
“Can we just skip the Japanese food and go straight to dessert?” Celia types on her phone. “I want ice cream and I have plans tonight.”
My stomach screams at me but I shrug it off. “Sure. You need to eat though; you’re too skinny.”
“Please,” Celia sneers. “You’re skinnier than I am. I guess Mom is still forgetting to buy groceries?”
“Something like that.”
A few minutes later I pull into the parking lot of Scoops ice cream shop. The store is empty except for a kid behind the counter, and Gabe DeCarteret, who is licking a cone and singing.
“Hey, girls,” he says and smiles.
“Hey, Gabe.” I stand in front of the ice cream and for a solid ten seconds, consider buying one scoop of every flavor. I am hungry enough; I could eat it all. “I’ll take two scoops of chocolate.”
“Okay!” He gets a paper cup and starts scooping. “What about you, honey?” He looks at Celia.
“Peanut butter swirl,” she mumbles and moves to a table in the corner.
“Sorry about her,” I tell Gabe. “She’s barely a teenager and thinks she’s a grown woman.”
“Don’t they all?” Gabe smiles and hands me the first bowl of ice cream. “She looks just like you. Is she your sister?”
“Is it that obvious?” I pick up two spoons. “She’s a trip.”
“She’s pretty.” Gabe scoops the second bowl and hands it to me. “I think something is wrong with her.”
“What do you mean?”
He sighs. “It’s her eyes. They’re gone; you can tell she’s not here. They’re sort of… empty. Like yours.”
My heart jumps.
“And mine,” he adds. He hands me the second bowl. “It’s on the house. Just talk to her.”
“Alright,” I whisper. “Thanks, Gabe.”
“It’s nothing.”
At our table, Celia is punching keys on her phone. She does not look up when I hand her the ice cream.
“Thanks,” she mumbles.
“Do me a favor and put that phone away for ten minutes.” My voice gets harsh. “I’m your sister. Those other important people you’re talking to can wait.”
“I’m sorry.” She stuffs the phone in her pocket and takes a bite of ice cream. “So talk. What’s going on with you?”
“Same shit, different day.” I take a bite of ice cream and let it sit on my tongue. “School sucks and Mom’s boyfriend is a total drag.”
“So I’ve heard.” Celia nods. “How’s the step-brother? I can’t believe I haven’t gotten to meet him yet. Is he cute?”
“Please, Celia.” I roll my eyes. “He’s nothing. He’s a piece of scum that sleeps in your old bed. I try to see him as little as possible.”
“That’s my bed.” She shakes her head.
“I know,” I whisper. “But you’re better now. It’s good for you, being at Nonna’s. She’s good for you.”
“Whatever.” She slams her spoon down. “That house is a fucking prison. I’m dying there, Ev. Nonna is cool, sure. But she’s strict and doesn’t know anything about being fourteen right now.”
“She knows everything about being fourteen,” I assure her. “And Celia, you don’t exactly make it easy for people, you know. She only wants what’s best for you.”
“Thanks, Mom.” She rolls her eyes. “I just don’t deserve this. I messed up; I get it. But you mess up all the time, and they haven’t kicked you out yet.”
“You tried to kill yourself, Cee.” I try to keep my voice down; Gabe is staring at us. “Or did you forget that part?”
“How could I forget?” Celia sighs. “And I didn’t try to kill myself. I took too many sleeping pills. Sue me.”
“An entire bottle, Celia.” I stop eating and stare at her. “Look, I get it. You know that I know exactly where you’re coming from. I went through the same thing, remember?”
She shuts down. Immediately her body closes off and she stares at the table. She refuses to talk to me or anyone else about our past. It took over a year in counseling for the guidance counselor to get Celia to admit that she had been molested, that we both had. That the man who was like a father to us had destroyed her body until she was ten years old. To this day, Celia claims that she did not try to kill herself. The sleeping pills she had been prescribed were not working anymore, so she just decided to take a few extra- so she says. She ended up taking the entire bottle and washing it down with a Dr. Pepper. My mom found her in her bedroom. She still refuses to believe that Celia told the truth. Not my Jay, he would never do that. Mom always was naïve. Celia was twelve then. And Mom decided it would be best for her to move in with my grandparents. She thinks she was doing Celia a favor; I think she took the easy way out.
“Can we please talk about something else?” She runs her fingers through her hair. “I get enough of this from my therapist.”
“Fair enough,” I mumble and take another bite of ice cream. “Talk.”
“Any boys?” She smiles.
I roll my eyes. “Plenty.”
“Anyone in particular?”
I consider telling her about Riley. But then I remember that Riley is not my boyfriend. Then I consider telling her about Tyler; but he is no one in particular. I shake my head. “No.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“What about you? What’s going on in your life?”
She blushes. “Well, there is this one boy.”
“There always is.”
“Shut up, Evelyn.” She laughs. “This one is serious. He’s so nice and funny and I think he really likes me. His name is Bryson. He’s black.”
“Okay?” I shrug. “Is that supposed to piss me off?”
She sighs.
“Look, Celia.” I take her hand. “I’m your big sister. And with you being gone, I feel like I’m not getting to fulfill all of my sisterly duties. So just hear me out, alright?”
“Go.”
“I’m sure you want me to tell you that this Bryson kid is madly in love with you, and that he’s going to sweep you off of your feet. And I’m sure you’d like for me to tell you that you’re going to live happily ever after with him.”
“That would be nice.” She giggles.
“But if I told you that, I’d be a liar.” I squeeze her hand. “The truth is that guys suck. They’re terrible people, really. And the ones who are our age are the worst.”
“So you’re saying I need to find someone older?” She smiles.
“Celia, I’m serious.” I sigh. “I know I’m not exactly the best role model. I kind of suck when it comes to guys, so I don’t have much room to talk. But you have so much more to offer than I do.”
“Like what?”
“You’re beautiful, and talented, and you’re so smart. You deserve everything. I’m not asking you to be a saint.” I lean back in my chair. “I’m just asking you to save yourself, and give yourself to a guy who deserves it. Not some piece of shit who doesn’t deserve you.”
“But sometimes I feel like all I have to offer a guy is my body.” She looks down and sighs. “It seems like that’s all they want.”
“It is,” I tell her. “I wish it were different, but this isn’t a fairy tale.”
“So what, I’m supposed to be a nun?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Just be careful what you do and who you do it with. If not for yourself, do it for me.”
“Alright.”
“Promise me, Celia.” I kick her leg under the table.
“I got it!” She rubs her leg and laughs. “I promise I won’t do anything stupid. But only if you promise me the same thing.”
She crosses her arms and leans back in her chair. She stares at me; sees right through me. She knows everything I am, everything I’ve done. She knows everything I have been through- the one person who sees through the wall I’ve put up for so long. For a few seconds, neither of us say anything. She sits across from me, my spitting image- if not on the outside, at least all the way down into her soul. My eyes burn when tears try to form. But I don’t let them. I swallow the lump of realization in my throat and nod.
“I promise.”

I drop her off outside of Nonna’s house. We sit in the car for a minute, with hesitation and sorrow stirring in the air around us. I put my hand on her leg and she places her hand over mine.
“Thanks for the ice cream.”
“No problem.” I stare out the windshield. “Call me sometime.”
“I will.” She opens her door. “Have fun at the game tonight. Be safe.”
“You too.”
“I love you, Evelyn.”
“I love you too, Cee.”
She closes the door and I wait for her to get in the house before I leave. As soon as I pull away, the tears fall. They splash on the steering wheel, slide down my cheek and onto my chest. They soak into my shirt. When they mix with my mascara, my eyes burn. But I don’t wipe them away. I stare at the road through burning eyes and somehow make my way to Riley’s house.
I pull a napkin out of the glove compartment and wipe my cheeks. I pull down the sun visor and fix my makeup. A few seconds later, I look as good as new. Riley never lets me come in, so I honk the horn and wait for him to come out. He opens the front door a few seconds later. Dressed in a black V-neck t-shirt and tight jeans, he is totally to die for. He puts his leather jacket on and I feel my mouth water. Nothing stupid, I remind myself.
“Hey,” I say when he gets in the car.
He is quiet and simply throws his head back in a half-nod. I am not in the mood to fight so instead of saying anything else, I pull out of the driveway and head towards the school.
“What happened to your hand?” I look down and see his hand, balled in a fist. His knuckles are bruised and bloody.
He shrugs. “I was boxing.”
“Without gloves?”
“Ev, don’t.” He puts his hand in his pocket and stares out the window. “I’m fine.”
“Fine.”

The game is barely into the third quarter before Riley starts to get antsy. He is distant, barely talking or paying attention to the game. I put my arm through his and he does not even pull away.
“Want to get out of here?” I ask softly in his ear. “I can get some weed and we can just chill somewhere. What do you think?”
He nods. “I need to chill.”
Yeah, you do. I consider saying it aloud, but decide it’s not worth it. I take his hand and he follows me up the cement bleachers and out into the parking lot where most of the kids are hanging out.
“Just let me find Brian. I’ll meet you at the car.”
“Alright.”
I do not know what is wrong with him, but I am hoping that whatever it is can be fixed with a few hits of Brian’s good green. I find him standing in his usual spot behind the concession stands with his friends.
“Hey boys.” I cross my arms and the guys turn to me. Brian looks me up and down and for a second I think he might be into me. “I’ll take a gram.”
I pull a twenty out of my tight jeans and hand it to him. He would never give it to me for free, no matter how tight my jeans were. He’s not interested in me; just my money. He slips a tiny plastic bag into my hand and just like that, the deal is over.
He chuckles. “Be a good girl.” The other guys laugh, too.
“No promises,” I say and run my hands over his chest. “I’ll see you around. Bye boys.”
“Bye, Ev.” Brian shakes his head and smiles.
I hurry to my car. I’m not far away when I feel someone grab my ass. My phone vibrates in my pocket at the same time.
“Let me get it,” the guy behind me says.
“Fuck off.” I pull my phone out, expecting it to be Riley telling me to hurry up. When I look at the phone and see Derek’s number, I am not sure how I feel. But something tells me to answer it. I decide that I will deal with the asshole and his wandering hands later.
“Hello?” I say into the phone.
“Evelyn,” Derek’s voice is rushed. He seems out of breath. “Where are you?”
“I’m at the football game.” I roll my eyes. “I go out every Friday night. And yes, I remembered to take the trash out before I left-“
“Evelyn.” Derek cuts me off. “It’s your mom.”
I stop a few feet away from my car. Riley is leaned against the hood, smoking a cigarette. He stands up when he sees me.
“Let’s go, girl.” He must see whatever is going on in my face because he drops his cigarette and walks towards me. “What is it?”
I hold my hand up and listen to Derek’s voice on the other end. “There was a fire at the hotel tonight. She was working a double, and…”
His voice trails off and I feel my face get hot. “Is she okay? Tell me she’s okay, Derek.”
Riley’s face scrunches up with confusion. I push past him and pull my keys out of my jacket. He follows me and moves in front of me so I can’t get to the door.
Derek sighs. “She’s okay.”
I breathe out the giant gulp of air that has been ballooning inside of my lungs since I answered the call. I take in short, fast breaths and Riley puts his hand on my back.
Derek continues, “They’re keeping her overnight to make sure everything is alright, but for now she is stable. She’s got some burns on her, though. And she’s totally out right now.”
“I’m on my way.”
I hang up the phone and Riley turns me around. “What’s going on?”
“My mom is in the hospital.” I try to keep my voice steady.
“What? What happened?”
“There was a fire at the hotel where she works. I’ve got to go. She’s in the hospital and I have to go. Here.” I hand him the bag of weed.
“Don’t be crazy.” Riley shakes his head. “I’ll drive.”
“No.” I unlock the door. “I need to go alone. I’ll drop you off at your place.”
“Evelyn,” he rubs my back. “You are not okay right now.”
“Riley, I don’t want you to come with me.” I put my hands on his chest. “I just need to go alone, okay?”
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and sighs. “Okay.”
“Thank you.”
“But call me, okay?” He nudges me with his elbow. “Call me if you need anything.”
“Yeah,” I mutter.
“I’ll find a ride home. Don’t worry about it.”
I get in the car and he watches me drive away. I drive to the hospital as fast as my Nova will go, and as fast as all of the traffic lights and unmarked police cars will let me. Every light seems to turn red as I get closer and closer to the hospital. I consider calling Celia or my Nonna, but decide there is no reason to worry them when I do not have the details.
The hospital smells like pain. It smells like accidents and new life and forced death and heartache. I find out where my mom is and hurry to the sixth floor. Room six-thirteen is small. Derek sits in a chair next to the bed where my mom lies. She has gauze wrapped around her arms and neck. Her face looks pale and bruised.
“Evelyn,” Derek says when I walk in. I can tell he has been crying. His eyes are red and soupy. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes my body. I do not stop him.
“Is she okay?”
“She will be.” He lets go of me and forces a smile. “I’m going to go get a cup of coffee. I need it. Would you stay here with her?”
“Sure,” I mumble.
He leaves the room and I sit down in the chair. I put my hand on my mom’s leg and stare at her. She is there, but not really. They have her doped up on pain medicine. I wonder how the high feels, if she can feel anything. I wonder if there is anything going on in her head.
I lay my head on the edge of her bed and let my tears soak into the coarse white sheets. Mom doesn’t wake up. I let all of my tears fall; I cry more than I have in my entire lifetime. When Derek comes back, he tells me he is going to pick Alex up from the school. He tells me I can stay the night with my mom if I want to. I do not say anything, don’t even look up from the bed. But he understands. And when he puts his hand on my back, I know his touch is sincere, fatherly.
I cry until my head hurts, until my temples pound. I cry until all of the water is drained from me and my stomach hurts from heaving. Riley calls six times, but I do not answer. I turn my phone off and stuff it in my pocket. I fall asleep with my head next to my mother’s thigh, like I did when I was little and she knew who I was. Before my childhood was ripped to shreds and I developed my distorted impression of love; before I forgot how to love someone.
Sometime before I fall asleep, when my eyes are too dry to stay open and my throat hurts from screaming into the sheets, I decide that I will find love again. I decide that I am worth it, and that perhaps I need to be loved more than I thought I did.


I vow to remember what love is.