November 17: Riley

Women are like chocolate. That’s what my dad always said. There is such a variety, so many flavors. Women are sweet, smooth, delicious pieces of perfection. They melt in your mouth; give you a major sugar rush. And like chocolate, it is nearly impossible to have just one. As a kid, I was addicted to chocolate. I ate every kind made: dark chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate with peanuts or caramel or peanut butter. At the corner store near my house, the cashier would always give me chocolates. I hoarded the candy in my room and saved it for days when we didn’t have much to eat at the house. I ate so much chocolate that I became sick. I ended up with six rotten teeth and strict orders from my dentist. I haven’t had a piece of chocolate since I was eleven. But now I have a new addiction.

Women are rotting me from the inside out.

Evelyn is like a dark, Columbian chocolate my grandfather used to eat. It was rich, almost bitter, with hints of coffee and chili powder. It ignites the tongue and sparks new sensations. It is bold, unique. Much like Evelyn, the chocolate became my guilty pleasure. It was familiar, but exciting. Evelyn is dark, she is bold. She is like no other girl that I have ever met. And yet, she is still just a girl. And despite the fact that she can make me crazy with one swirl of her tongue- she is familiar.
Audrey is a cup of hot chocolate. She is warm and comfortable. She is tempting and decadent. She is that girl who seems like nothing special. But when you take that first sip of a hot milk chocolate, every single ounce of worry melts away. That is how I feel with Audrey. She makes me feel good, comfortable. She melts away at the ice beneath my soul and cradles every worry in her soft marshmallow innocence.
And then, there is Samantha. Samantha is the finest chocolate truffle. She appears hard on the outside, tough. But beneath the image she has been forced to embrace, she is just as smooth and easy as the rest of them. She is that fancy dessert that sits on the cart at a nice restaurant. The one your parents can’t afford, but you cannot stop eyeing. You crave it, your mouth waters for it. You dream of it. And then you sneak up on the cart while your parents aren’t paying attention. Just a taste, you promise yourself. Just a taste. But before you know it, you’ve devoured the entire dessert and your step-dad is busting your ass all the way to the car. And it was worth every bite.
These girls seemed to have collided all at once tonight. Images of their faces swirl through my head. Audrey, who is like a porcelain china doll. Her face is smooth like cream, soft with innocence. She is too perfect, untouchable. Evelyn, who is like an old, tattered rag doll that holds stitched memories and is stained from tears. Images of makeup streaming down her face cloud my head.
“You make me better,” she had assured me. And in return, I told her that I was finished. That what we had (whatever we had) was over.
And before I could even collect my thoughts, I was in bed next to Samantha- the perfect Barbie doll. The room was dark, but I could make out every angle of her face as we moved with each other. I can’t even remember how that happened. I try to keep my mind in that dark room, with Samantha’s hair tangled in my fingers and her lips on my neck.
But the room I am in now is not dark. And as my mind floats back to reality, I realize that I do not even know where I am. I open my eyes, but the lights are so bright that I immediately shut them again. Slowly, I let them adjust and come open. Finally my mind wraps around what is going on. I have tubes in my arm, a starched white blanket over me, and I can’t pick my head up. The room is way too bright and smells like old people.

I’m in a hospital bed.

“Hey,” a voice next to me mumbles.
I turn and see Crash slumped in a chair next to my bed. He rubs his eyes and checks his watch. His hair is a mess and his eyes are red. Has he been here the entire time? And what amount of time is that, exactly? So many questions flood my mind.
“What’s going on?” I manage. My mouth is almost too dry to speak.
“Where do you want me to start, dude?” Crash chuckles and hands me a cup of water.
“It’s been a long fucking night, that’s for sure.”
I take a long gulp from the paper cup. My mind spins and so does my stomach. I search my brain for my last memory of the night. All that I can think of is Audrey, then Evelyn and then Sam. So what the hell happened in between Samantha and the hospital?
Too much whiskey is what happened.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” It’s almost as though Crash can read my mind.
“Honestly?” I look at him. “Rolling around on a bed with Samantha.”
“West?” He raises his eyebrows.
“Shut up.”
He laughs. “No judgment, man. I guess you guys were doing your thing around the time the cops showed up.”
“Cops?” I take another sip of water.
“Yeah, dude.” He nods. “Lots of them. They found you upstairs in one of the bedrooms or something. Ambulance brought you over here.”
“Jesus.” I run my hands through my hair.
“Yeah, you missed a pretty big show,” Crash continues. “Apparently they had to pump your stomach and everything.”
“My mom is going to die.” I shake my head. “Where is she, anyways?”
“They can’t get ahold of anyone.” He shrugs. “I told the doctor I’d stay until someone came for you.”
This catches me by surprise. Crash, some kid I barely know, is sitting in a hard hospital chair waiting for someone from my family to show up. Everything is hitting so fast that I really do not know what to tackle first.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I tell him. “My mom will show up. I’m sure she’ll show up. What time is it, anyway?”
“It’s almost seven.” He folds his arms and slides down in the chair. “And don’t worry about it. Hospitals are creepy, man. I wouldn’t want to wake up in this room alone.”
A nurse comes into the room with a plastic bag full of a clear liquid and smiles with cherry-red lips. “Good morning, Mister Sutton.”
“Morning,” I mumble.
She puts the bag into a machine that is connected to my arm through several tubes and writes down a bunch of numbers on a chart. She turns to me and squeezes my arms, presses on my stomach.
“We’ve got to get you hydrated.” She smiles. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” I say honestly.
She chuckles. “I’m not surprised. You kids are crazy these days. I can’t imagine it.”
“Where is my mom?”
She pats my back and sighs. “We were finally able to get in touch with her. She said she would be here as quickly as she can.”
“It’s a five-minute drive,” I sneer.
She leaves without saying anything else. I lay my head back down on the thin pillow and try to breathe in and out without vomiting.
“What happens now?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“Am I going to go to jail or anything? I broke at least five laws last night, I’m pretty sure. And the police around here hate me enough as it is. They’re probably loving this right now.”
Crash shakes his head. “I think they are more concerned with Brian and Anderson at this point. Manny, too.”
“Brian? Anderson?” I turn to him. “And what the hell does Manny have to do with anything?”
“Damn, dude.” Crash sighs. “You really did miss the entire show, didn’t you? There was a huge fight. Manny and his boys showed up, making trouble. You know how they are.”
“What did they want?”
Crash looks down in his lap.
“Hello?”
He looks back up at me. “They were looking for you.”


By the time Crash finishes the story of the night’s events, it’s all I can do not to vomit everywhere. I probably would, if there was anything left to heave. He tells the entire sequence of events, and with each point my skin gets hotter and hotter. Beads of sweat break out all over my forehead and cause my gown to stick to my back and chest.
According to Crash, Manny showed up last night looking for me. He busted into the house, pushing people out of the way and screaming for me. When Brian tried to get Manny and his friends to leave, Manny knocked him out with one hit.
“The house went crazy after that,” Crash says. “Manny pulled out a knife. Anderson tried to block him from going after Brian. The knife got him in his leg.”
“Fuck,” I mumble.
“Manny freaked out after that and left. I don’t think he actually wanted to stab anyone. The guy is dumb, but he’s not that dumb.”
“Is Anderson okay?”
“I think he’s in surgery,” Crash says. “Manny got him pretty good. We called the cops and by the time they showed up, almost everyone was gone.”
“Goddammit.” I punch the mattress several times. “So Brian gets knocked out and Anderson gets stabbed, all while I’m having sex with his girlfriend one floor up?”
Crash nods. “I guess it’s pretty messed up when you think about it.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “Yeah it is.”
Millions of thoughts race through my head. I focus on remembering something, anything, after what happened with Samantha. And then it finally clicks.
Brian coming into the room, telling someone in the bathroom that the cops were coming. Samantha hurrying to get dressed. Me getting mad at her. How did all of this happen? Just below us, Puerto Ricans were wreaking havoc, lives were being changed, and people were being hurt. My mind cannot physically grasp everything that Crash is telling me.
“This is my fault.”
“It’s not,” Crash assures me. “Brian and Anderson were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Manny is a bastard, but he’ll get his. Karma is a bitch. And you didn’t do anything.”
“I did,” I insist. My mind trails back to school Friday morning. “Friday, Manny and his crew were hanging around the parking lot during lunch. I was smoking a cigarette, minding my own business.”
I pause for a second before continuing. “They started getting a little too close to my bike and I freaked out. I swear, they’re always fucking with me. He knows that’s my bike.”
“Yeah,” Crash mumbles.
“I was heading towards them when Manny picked his foot up like he was going to kick it. I sprinted and pushed him to the ground. I told him if he ever touched my bike,
I’d kill him.”
“He didn’t fight you right there?” Crash asks.
I shake my head. “Nah. He knows he can’t afford to get in anymore trouble at school. And neither can I. He just got up and stared at me. Then he mumbled something in Spanish and he and his boys left.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah, it was so weird.” I nod. “I guess he was coming back to settle things last
night because he knew I would be there. But dammit, I didn’t mean for that to happen! I didn’t mean for him to pull out knives and shit.”
Tears fill my eyes and I scratch at them, forcing the tears to stay put. Crash remains silent in his chair, with his hands folded in his lap and his head down.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”


With a million thoughts crashing against each other in my head, my body collapses. My brain cannot hold everything I just heard, cannot possibly facilitate all of the reality that has just poured over me like hot water. My mind shuts down, and everything goes dark. Maybe if I stay asleep this will all go away. Perhaps I am already asleep and this is all just a horrible dream. But the gravity of the situation has brought me back down, and I know that dreaming isn’t possible.


I wouldn’t be that lucky.

November 17: Evelyn

We ride in silence to Brian’s house. Despite the length of my skirt and the low neck-line on my shirt, my body is hot with anger. I roll my window down all of the way and let the wind whip at my hair. Alex sits in the back of Riley’s car with his hands in his lap. I can tell he is nervous. And he should be. He doesn’t belong here anyway. My goal to have him out of my house and back in Virginia by the middle of the semester is slowly slipping out of reach. And it is partly because Riley keeps offering him pity invites everywhere we go. Usually Alex declines. But tonight he accepted.
And I am pissed.
Riley is mine. He is not Alex’s. The little bastard has already stolen my mom from me, and now he is slowly managing to take my (kind of) boyfriend, too. I refuse to let it happen. I have worked hard to tame Riley and make him mine, and I believe I have almost done just that. I am hoping tonight will be the night we can make things official. I just need to get a few beers in his system to soften up. And a few shots in my own- to give me the courage to ask him. That won’t happen with a naïve freshman on my heels.
Riley rests his hand on my leg. His rough skin against mine makes me crazy. I can’t stay mad at him when he does that. Just touching me makes me want to forgive him for anything he has done or will do. He parks the car behind another one by the curb. Alex and I get out of the car at the same time.
“Stay away from me,” I sneer.
Without saying anything, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and heads towards the party. Riley comes around the front of the car and runs his hand over my hair. It is probably messed up from the wind, but I do not care.
“Try to have some fun tonight, okay?” Riley smiles.
“Whatever,” I mumble. “Stop pretending you’re the good guy.” I take a swig from the bottle of raspberry vodka I managed to buy from the liquor store by my house.
“Maybe I’m trying to be.” He puts his arm around me and pushes me towards Brian’s house. “Wouldn’t that be nice for a change?”
I just shrug. But it would be nice. The thought of Riley being nice and sweet is almost unfathomable. But I think that Riley is capable of being the good guy. Except when it comes to me.
“Just keep drinking,” he urges. “Maybe I’ll actually be able to put up with your attitude tonight.”
I pull away from him but he grabs my arm. “I’m kidding, Ev.”
“You are such an asshole.”
He laughs and kisses the top of my forehead. “So you hate me if I’m nice, but you get pissed when I’m an asshole. I give up. Now, put on a smile and let’s get wasted. I know drunken sex is your favorite.”
As we get closer to the party, I realize that he is right. About the drunken sex, yes. But more importantly, he is right about me. It is very possible that I wouldn’t even like Riley if it were not for his bad boy image. It is almost as though I am asking to be hurt. Setting myself up for pain because I am used to it. Pain is almost comfortable at this point, normal. The fact that people are hurtful is the only thing I know to be true. They hurt you, use you, and then leave you. And I cling to that familiarity. I only like what isn’t good for me.
And we all know that Riley is toxic.

The party is bigger than anything I have ever been to. I usually choose not to venture to any Five Points parties, considering most of the student population hates me. But Riley had insisted that this party would be worth it. And once I have enough alcohol in my system, I won’t care what they are saying about me.
Riley and I make our way onto the dance floor and he moves behind me. He drinks his whiskey and I drink my vodka. A couple of times, we switch. He pours whiskey into my mouth and I embrace the burn that glides down my throat. After several songs, I am tipsy and out of breath.
“I’m going to get my beer.” Riley puts his hand on my back.
“I’ll go with you,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. You should go sign us up for beer pong.” He lowers his head to my neck and licks my skin.
“Okay,” I say without resistance.
He hurries out of the kitchen and I make my way to the back porch. A group of kids are playing beer pong and standing around the long table. I write our names on the white board in the corner and watch for a few minutes.
“What are you doing here, whore?”
I turn and see Lena next to me. Reece and Ivy are behind her. They stand with their hips cocked and their lips pursed. Of all of the people at this party, they choose to stand there and stare at me.
“It’s a party.” I tighten my fingers around my bottle and resist hitting one of them with it. “What are you doing here?”
“I was invited,” Lena says. “Who invited you?”
“Who cares?” I shrug and take a swig from the bottle. “I guess you forgot that this is my friend’s house you’re partying in.”
“I didn’t know the slut had any friends.” Lena turns to Reece and Ivy, who laugh.
“It must get pretty exhausting always worrying about what everyone else is doing, Lena.” I step forward and stare her straight in the eye. “Instead of concerning yourself with my business, why don’t you back the hell up and go get laid? You could use it.”
“That’s your job.” Lena chuckles. “Where is your disgusting little fuck buddy, anyway?”
“Around.” I shrug. “But it seems to me like I’m a hell of a lot happier than you are. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find my disgusting little fuck buddy.”
I push past her and ignore the pain in my shoulder that comes from it. She says something else, but I ignore it and make my way into the house. I force back the tears that start to pool in my eyes and chug a fourth of the bottle of vodka. My head starts to spin but I find my way through the house and outside in the front.
“Riley?” I call for him.
He should be back by now. And he is. I spot him standing on the sidewalk talking to a girl. I realize that the girl is Audrey Oliver. What the hell is she doing here? And why is Riley talking to her? I stomp down the stairs in my five-inch heels, past a group of guys whistling at me.
“What the fuck are you doing with her?” I hurry down the sidewalk.
Riley and Audrey both turn to me. Audrey holds a beer in her hand. For a second I forget about the fact that she is talking to Riley and try to take in what I am seeing: Audrey Oliver with a beer in her hand. And from what I can see, she has already had some of it.
“Evelyn, chill out.” Riley sighs. “We’re just talking.”
Rage consumes me as I realize that it was Riley who gave Audrey the beer. I ignore Riley’s comment and stare straight at the dorky little girl who has everything.
“What are you doing here, Bloody Mary?” I put my hands on my hips. “Don’t you have a book to read or something?”
Riley moves between us. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“What is she, you’re girlfriend?” I sneer. “Riley Sutton doesn’t have those, remember?”
He shakes his head. “Shut up, Evelyn.”
I am filled with anger. It sweeps over my entire body and fills me from the inside out. My head blares from the alcohol. My heart rate quickens and I let my thoughts become spoken words.
“Did you hear that, Goody-Two-Shoes?” I look past him at Audrey. “He’s just going to use you to get what he wants. That’s what men do. They use you.”
“I’m done with you.” Riley turns away from us.
“Don’t walk away from me!” I hurry after him.
“Evelyn, seriously.” He keeps walking. His strides are twice as long and twice as fast as mine. I can barely keep up in my heels.
“You don’t get to just walk away.” I grab his leather jacket.
He spins around. “Don’t touch me! I mean it, Evelyn.”
“What’s your problem?” My voice is shaky.
He heads around to the side of the house and shoves his beer under the porch. I follow him and wait for him to stand back up.
“Riley?”
“I’m sick of this bullshit.” He turns back to me. His voice is shaky, too. “We fight, then we fuck. And that’s all. I’m done with it. I need something real.”
“What does that mean?”
He sighs. “You’re not good for me, Ev. And I’m not good for you.”
“We could be.” I move towards him. “We could be good for each other. I’m fucked up, Riley. I get that.”
“So am I.”
“I know.” Tears fill my eyes. “You’re the only person who can even begin to understand me. I don’t understand me. But even on my shittiest days, you help me to feel okay with the way things are.”
“That’s just it.” Riley shakes his head. “Things are terrible. Neither one of us is getting better with each other.”
“You make me better,” I assure him.
“No I don’t.” He purses his lips. “I make you comfortable. We’re comfortable. But we aren’t good. We aren’t happy.”
I have no words. Because I know that he is right, but I don’t want him to be. This is not the conversation I was planning for tonight.
“Do you ever lay awake and wonder what’s possible? Do you wonder what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not wish you were dead? Don’t you want to find that?”
I nod.
“I’ve got to find happy,” he says.
“Me too.”
“Alright then.” He leans against the house. “I want us to stay friends, Ev.”
“Friends?” I nearly spit. “I’m not your friend, Riley. Friends don’t exist. As fucked up as you are, you were the only person I have ever trusted. I thought things would be different with you. I thought…” My words die away. “I thought we could change each other. But you’re just a guy. And guys walk away.”
“Evelyn-“
“And girls are stupid enough to fall for it. Over and over again, we fall for it.” Tears stream down my cheeks. My words slur from the vodka, but I continue to push them out. “You are not my friend.”
As right as he is, I do not care. Before he can say anything else, I push past him and around the front of the house. I try to run, but my heels do not allow me to. I nearly snap my ankle by the time I get to the sidewalk. Defeated, I sit down right on the curb and drink several long swallows of vodka.
Riley was right about a lot of things. We have become comfortable. Not happy, but content with the fact that our lives are meant to be miserable. We are meant to be poor, meant to be depressed, meant to be hated. Abandoned. Abused. Forgotten. And we settle for it because accepting defeat is easier than fighting for something better. But together, I felt like we were making each other better. I thought Riley was helping me figure myself out. But he had become just another drug, another outlet. He had become my escape route, and my way of coping. And I was the same for him. He just realized it before I did.
Realization hurts. When you realize the truth, it is more than a slap in the face. It is a punch in the stomach- one that takes the breath out of you and leaves your head spinning. The truth is that I am more lost than I ever thought. And I have just lost the one person who I thought was going to get me out. I slide my heels off and try to catch my breath.
A couple of people get out of a car a few yards away. They walk behind me without saying anything. A few minutes later, three guys walk past me.
“What’s the matter, Evelyn?” I recognize Ryan’s voice. “Couldn’t find anybody to dance with? “
I ignore him.
“Fucking whore.” He and his friends laugh and keep walking.
I break. Tears leap from my eyes and onto the sidewalk faster than I have ever seen. They spill down my neck and chest, soaking my shirt. My breath comes in short, quick gasps. I am sure I could pass out right here.
“Are you alright?”
I look up and see Jeoff Kente standing over me. “Just walk away,” I tell him. “That’s what everyone else has done. They just keep on walking. It’s like I don’t even exist.”
“A guy can’t just walk away when they see a girl crying on the side of the street.” His voice is soft and smooth. “That just wouldn’t be right.”
“A gentleman, huh?” I nearly laugh. “You only have to be polite to women who deserve it. I’m no lady.”
But he doesn’t walk away. Instead he sits down next to me. For a few seconds, both of us are quiet.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you know.”
I shrug. “Why not? Nobody else seems to have a problem with it.”
“Who cares what they think?”
“Easy for some kid on the basketball team to say,” I sneer. “I guess it’s just easier for some people.”
“Easy?” He looks at me. “Don’t talk to me about easy, Evelyn.”
“You come to school, everyone loves you, you do your work, and you go home. You have friends, fans. Hell, I’m sure you’ve probably already got all of your college bullshit lined up. Sounds pretty ideal to me.”
“That’s the problem with people,” he says. “They assume too much.”
“So I’m wrong?” I push. “None of that is true?”
“It might be.” He shrugs. “But you don’t know the reasoning behind it. You don’t know why I play basketball. You don’t know why I work hard in school. You don’t know.”
Touché. My breathing is steady again and I am completely curious about this kid. I’ve known who he was for almost my entire life, yet never spoken to him. And now I want nothing more than to pry his head open and see what is inside.
“Well, tell me.”
“I’ve got to get out of here.”
I drink the last of my vodka. “You aren’t the only one.”
“Why are you out here, Evelyn?” He takes the bottle. “What happened?”
“Boys are stupid,” I reply. “And I forgot that for the tiniest second, and I got fucked over. That’s what happened.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Part of me doesn’t want to. I never want to let another boy in. But a larger part of me says that it is okay to trust this one. So I do. “Riley and I were never official, you know? He wasn’t my boyfriend, and I wasn’t his girlfriend.”
He doesn’t say anything, so I continue, “But at the end of the day, I felt something there. I know what everyone thinks about me. They think I’m dirty. They think I’m just some stupid slut who uses her body to get what she wants. They think I’m not worth anything. Don’t they?”
“That’s not true.”
Rage consumes me again. “Don’t lie! It’s the truth. I am a slut, and I do use my body. And I am worthless. I’m a fucking idiot, because no matter how many times I get let down, I believe that one day a guy will be different. I keep telling myself that something will change. I was crazy to think he could change. Because nobody ever changes, do they?”
He sighs. “You’re not crazy. People change. But they only change for themselves. They will only change because they want to. You want Riley to turn into your perfect, sweet, loyal, committed boyfriend, right?”
I say nothing.
“Until Riley wants to become that for you or someone else, he’s going to keep doing what he does.” I clasp my hands together and force my nerves down before I continue. “Until you start believing and acting like you are worth something, nobody else is going to believe it. You can only change yourself.”
We sit there in silence for a few minutes. That is twice in one night that a boy has been right. I am overwhelmed with emotions. How could anyone- especially a guy- believe that I am worth something? It terrifies me. I start crying again.
“I’m sorry. You probably think I’m a total idiot.” I look up at the sky. “What kind of girl falls for Riley Sutton?”
“All of them.”
I laugh and move closer to him. “I’m not like other girls,” I assure him. “And Riley is an asshole. I hope he has fun with that little…“
I want to call Audrey every name I can possibly think of. But I know it is not her fault. It isn’t her fault that Riley was talking to her. I can’t blame her for being beautiful- and I can admit that she is. I realize that if I want people to stop hating me, I have to stop hating people.
“I hope he is happy,” I say. I lower my head until it rests on his shoulder. “Don’t tell anyone I’m weak,” I beg. “They’ll eat me alive.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He pats my leg.
“Why haven’t we ever talked before?” I ask “I mean, I’ve always known who you were. I guess I never thought you would be so… smart.”
He laughs. “Yeah, most people don’t. It comes with the skin color.”
“That’s stupid.”
Moments later, a group of people is walking towards us. I hear random bits of their conversation. “I’m going to kill that little fucker.”
“We got you.”
“He better be here.”
“Kill him.”
“What the hell?” I say.
“Shh,” Jeoff whispers.
When they get closer, I realize it is Manny Aviles and his crew. Why the hell are they here? It cannot be for any good reason. They walk past us and continue talking as if we are not there. They head straight for Brian’s house. Something is wrong here. This is not their type of party. And I know for a fact that the Kings were not invited.
“Come on.” Jeoff grabs my hand and I follow him towards the house. We pass the Kings and go into the house.
We find Brian and Jeoff quickly explains the situation. “Manny and his crew just rolled up.”
Brian’s eyes widen. “What? What are they doing here?”
Jeoff shrugs. “I don’t know. But they didn’t look like they were here for the beer pong or the dancing. You feel me?”
Brian hurries past us and I follow Jeoff to get the guys he drove. After gathering them up, I follow him through the crowded house, trying to remain calm.
Manny and his friends are standing by the living room. “Where is Riley Sutton?” Manny’s face is as hard as stone.
Oh my God, he is looking for Riley. My mind races as I debate on what I should do. Do I run off to warn Riley, or do I stay next to Jeoff? I cannot think with vodka and adrenaline racing each other through my veins to my brain.
Alex approaches us in the foyer. “Jeoff!” Relief floods his face. “Have you seen Riley?”
Jeoff shakes his head. “I saw him go upstairs about an hour ago. Look kid, things are about to get real in here. Do you need a ride home?”
“What do you mean?” Alex looks confused.
The music stop and chaos begins.
“Fight!”
Panic floods me and my immediate reaction is to run to find Riley. Before I can, Jeoff grabs my hand and pulls me outside. I do not fight him, but I cannot help but wonder what is going on in that house. Why was Manny looking for Riley? And more importantly, did he find him? Who was fighting? Too many questions and not enough coherencies to answer them.
Brandon begs Jeoff to let us stay, but we finally convince him to get in the car. Alex and I slide into the back seat. As Jeoff pulls out of the neighborhood, Alex slides closer to me. His arm rests next to mine and I realize that he is shaking. He is more scared than I am. I place my hand on his leg and he puts his hand over mine. We stay like that until Jeoff drops us off.
After the fifteen-minute drive, I still haven’t heard anything from Riley. I sent him several text messages. I pray to anyone listening that Riley is okay. I mentally take back everything I said to him tonight, all of the horrible things I wished upon him. Jeoff puts his number into my phone and tells me to call him in the morning.
“I will,” I promise him.
I follow Alex into our dark house. It is almost three in the morning, and our parents are definitely asleep. We creep slowly down the hall and open our bedroom doors. Before I go in, I stop.
“Alex,” I whisper.
“Yeah?” His voice is soft and shaky. He is still scared. I am too.
I think about my words carefully before I say them. Because when you say something, it makes it real. Thoughts are safe, private. Words are your reality. I find it easier to be honest since I cannot see Alex’s face in the pitch black hallway. I swallow hard and without hesitation, I say it.
“I don’t hate you.”
He is silent for several seconds and I am sure that he has gone into his room and decided to ignore me. He would have every right to. But I do not regret my words, because they are the truth. Just when I am about to go into my room, Alex speaks up.
“I don’t hate you either.”
With that, we both go into our rooms and close our doors. Without turning on any lights, I find my way to my bed and collapse. Shut away in my dark world of reality, truth starts to unravel. And I finally begin to understand what is real. I turn my phone off and decide that Riley will have to wait. I hope that everything is okay, but in this moment I can only focus on myself. I let the truths unwind in my head and let it fall heavy with reality onto my pillow. Everything I believed to be true, everything I have told myself- I let go. I myself begin to unravel.

I am undone.

November 17: Brian

Playoffs bring everyone together. We all hate Five Points, being there, and everything that high school comes with. But we cannot help but get excited when our team dominates the other schools. No matter who you are, you glow with the thought of you and your school being better than someone else’s. So tonight, everyone from school will gather together to celebrate our victory. We will take shots to touchdowns, shotgun beers for field goals, and kiss strangers for every yard earned. Tonight will boast the party of the century, where anything could happen, and anyone could become a star. And it will all take place on the most familiar territory. Not the office, not the hallways, not the cafeteria, not the field.
My house.
When Anderson had asked me if I wanted to throw the playoff party, my reaction was kind of awkward. I did not know whether to jump at the thought or to punch him for thinking we were still close enough for me to care about his football team. But he knows how much I love to throw a party. And I know I am the only one with a house big enough to hold such a rave.
“I promise to have the team come over to help clean on Sunday morning,” Anderson had assured me.
“I don’t mind doing it,” I had told him. “But if my dad is around, it’s not happening.”
Anderson shrugged. “So make sure he isn’t around.”
I laughed. “Alright, man. I’ll do it.”
“Sweet!” Anderson shook my hand. “This is going to be crazy. Invite everybody you can. And pray that we don’t lose.”
With that, he walked away to join the rest of his crew of jocks.
Luckily for myself and the rest of the student body, my dad is in Indianapolis on business. So all week we have spread the word about the year’s biggest party. Win or lose, we planned to go hard. Especially if we won.
And of course we won.
“Awesome party, Brian!” A kid from the soccer team yells. “You’ve still got it, man.”
“I appreciate it, bro.” I shake his hand and he pushes past me.
The air in the house is thick and hot. Every single student who is anybody is currently crammed in my dad’s mansion. Jocks, stoners, freshmen- nobody cares who you are tonight. Everyone has come together to celebrate our team’s amazing win. Parts of me regret agreeing to throw the party. But those parts are pushed way into the back corners of my brain, smothered by warm, meth-laced smoke and a bitter fire of tequila. Yeah, I’m feeling good. The regretful parts of me are the ones who wish Lily would return my phone calls, or talk to me in Chemistry. But she has kept her distance. And the addicted parts of me hate her for being so good. They feed my body with pills and powdery white lines that allow me to forget about how I fucked everything up- again.
I push through my kitchen past a group of girls taking shots from each other’s breasts. A couple of guys film them with their phones, but the girls don’t seem to care. People call out to me and wave, but my mind is foggy. The tequila must literally be filling my skull, because it sloshes from side to side and pushes my balance off. Walking through the dining room, I spot Evelyn’s stepbrother standing by himself in a corner. The house is packed, but he has managed to find the one corner of space that is not occupied by fifty people. He looks completely sober; I decide to join him.
“Alex, right? What’s up man?”
He looks at me and forces an awkward smile onto his face. “Nothing much. Great party.”
“Thanks.” I nod. “That’s why you’re standing in the corner?”
He chuckles and shifts his weight. “I just-“
“You need to loosen up.” I pat him on the shoulder and hand him the cup in my hand. “Here, take this. Most people pay two bucks for a cup. But you can have it. Free of charge.”
“Thanks man.” He takes a long swig, clearly trying to impress me. I pretend that it does.
“Pretty good, right?”
He nods.
“Now go have some fun,” I demand. “Get out of this corner.”
He heads into the massive crowd that is leading into the living room. I stand there in the corner for a few seconds to gain my balance. I gave him my beer because I don’t need anymore. I can feel the alcohol and the drugs in every hair on my body, every ounce of blood in my veins. I am sailing on a tequila ocean, with vicious marijuana piranhas biting at my skin.
I make my way towards the front of the house, ignoring the people yelling my name. In the foyer, Ruby is standing with her annoying friend Arianna. The red dress she is wearing is completely not her style. But that is a good thing. It hugs her curves, rests high on her thighs. Her curls tumble over her bare shoulders, which seem to be shimmering in the dim light. She is stunning.
Before I can stop myself, I put my hand on her shoulder. She turns around quickly, and her face reads total discomfort.
“You made it!” I smile.
She smiles back and I let my body relax with hers. “Yeah, I did.”
Arianna leaves us standing there. For a few seconds, we are silent. My ex-girlfriend, the girl I was sure I would marry a year ago, stands before me a completely different person. And I’m sure she sees me as completely different, too.
“I’m really glad you came,” I mumble.
“Thanks.” She looks past me at the people dancing in the living room. “I wasn’t expecting anything this insane.”
I force down a swig of tequila and nod. “Yeah, word really got around fast. I don’t even want to think about having to clean this place up tomorrow.”
“Yeah, good luck with those carpets,” she chuckles.
We both stare at each other awkwardly before I break the gaze. “Look, thanks for coming. Let me know if you need anything.” I touch her arm and something fizzles on my fingertips. It is not the same electric shock I used to feel every time I touched her. But there is something there.
I cannot tell if she feels it too, but she just mutters, “Thanks.”
“Brian!” Lex peeks his head around the corner. “We need another keg, dude. And more ping pong balls.”
“Got it.” I turn back to Ruby. “I’ll see you later, Rubes.”
“Bye,” she nearly whispers.
I follow Lex outside and around the side of the house, where he has parked his dad’s truck. There are three kegs left in the back, and I hope they will last us for the rest of the night.
“We’re making bank off of this shit,” Lex tells me. “Can’t wait to count it in the morning.”
“Sweet,” I say. “After the football team cleans up.”
“True that.” We pull one of the kegs off of the bed of the truck and walk it around to the back of the house. “Let’s light up after we get this one going,” he suggests.
I do not oppose, do not deny his offers of weed. Although I am floating up high enough, I can’t possibly resist the urge to go higher. There is a line of kids waiting to fill their cups from the tap. We put the keg down and Michael takes care of it from there.
“Let’s go,” Lex says.
I follow him several yards away to the swing set that sits in the very back of the huge yard. I played on it all of my childhood, and my dad never got around to taking it down once I grew out of it. Lex and I sit down in the miniature swings and he packs a bowl full of weed.
“This party is crazy,” he says and lights the tuft of herbs. He pulls a long drag before handing the bowl to me.
“For sure.” I light the bowl and pull so hard I can feel the ashes on the back of my throat and lungs. I think I may have literally burnt a hole in my chest. I hold the smoke in for as long as I can, cough a couple of times, and let the it wind back out of my mouth. My eyes cross, it is such a good hit.
We finish the bowl in silence and my head is spinning. I can’t feel any part of my body. I simply jump out of my own skin and spin around in the grass, swirl up into the sky and bounce on the silver stars.
“Hey Brian.” A voice shakes me out of my oblivion and sends me tumbling back into my body.
I squint my eyes to try to figure out who is standing in front of me. The lights from the back porch cast dark shadows and all I can see is messy hair and wide hips.
“Can I get a hit?” The voice asks.
It is Janey Boyd. She steps closer and finally I see her face. Lex stands up from his swing and shakes his head.
“Sorry girl, we’re all done.”
“Damn,” she mutters.
“Maybe next time,” Lex says. “Why don’t you go on back to the party?”
“I just wanted to talk to Brian for a few minutes.” Janey sits down in the empty swing and stares at me. “Is he alright?”
“Dude is gone,” Lex tells her. “He ain’t gonna do much talking right now.”
“Well, I’m special.” Janey pushes herself slowly on the swing. “Isn’t that right, Brian?”
I stare at her. I think plenty of thoughts; several sentences circulate through my mind. But none of them come out. They stand in a line on my tongue, waiting to dive off. But they all chicken out. And I am left with Janey staring at me, waiting for an answer.
Lex busts out laughing, like the asshole that he is. He laughs so hard for a solid fifteen seconds. I don’t look at him, but Janey turns to him. I see her eyes gloss over with tears. But the sentences still do not jump.
“You ain’t special, girl.” Lex dumps the cashed marijuana into the grass and stuffs the glass bowl into his pocket. “You’re just another dollar.”
Janey looks at me for denial, for some sort of opposition. She begs me with her eyes to tell her that Lex is wrong, that she is special. But although I could consider her a friend, I know that is not what she wants to hear. So I seal my mouth and push all of the sentences down my throat and back into the shallow end.
She swallows hard and stands up from the swing. Without another word, she pushes past Lex and hurries towards the party.
“Fucking girls,” Lex mumbles. “You ready?”
I shake my head slowly and turn it back towards the sky, waiting for myself to lift off and run away. He stands there for a few more seconds before turning back to help with the keg. I push myself in the swing and keep my head towards the sky. The stars sparkle like Ruby’s shoulders. I wonder how she did that. I think about Janey and how her crush on me must have been completely obvious. So why am I only realizing it now? And why am I such an asshole that cannot even properly deny a girl? My thoughts push past Ruby’s golden shoulders and Janey’s puppy crush, and on to Lily’s perfect lips. The ones that I want to kiss so badly, but never got the chance to.
Lex was right. Fucking girls. They can make a man crazy.
My thoughts stay on Lily for a while. Her lips, her brown eyes- the emotion in them. Her hair and her soft skin. The way her nose scrunches every time I move closer to her. The way she resists me, although I know she can feel it too. Her willpower is much stronger than mine. She can easily say no. She can tell what is toxic, what is bad for her. While I willingly let every bad thing pour into my soul and drain me of everything that is good. Yes, she has willpower. She is strong. But I can break her of that.
Everyone has a breaking point.

Time creeps by so slowly when you are high. Time can play crazy tricks on your mind when you are cross-buzzed on too much alcohol and a cabinet full of drugs. I finally make my way back into the house once some of the meth and weed wears off. The tequila is still drowning my head, making it impossible to make clear thoughts. But I can function alright, so I decide to find Janey to apologize. I’m not sure what I need to apologize for, but it seems appropriate.
Before I find Janey, I find myself in the middle of the dance floor. People dance around me from all sides to a song that is thick with bass and erotic beats. I try to push past them, but they do not stop touching me. Suddenly the music stops and everyone groans.
“Come on, dude!” A guy calls from behind me.
The lights come on in the living room and Manny Aviles pushes through the crowd. Everyone gets quiet. He is dressed in baggy jeans and a plain white tank top. Several of his friends crowd around behind him. His face his hard, his fists clenched. He looks around the room.
“Where is Riley Sutton?”
Nobody answers.
“Dude, you need to leave.” I step forward. “I don’t know where Riley is, but this is my house. And you guys need to go.”
The noise that comes from within him is not human. I don’t know what it is, but it scares me so badly that I nearly piss myself. He steps forward.
“I don’t care whose house this is,” he growls in his thick accent. “I want to know where that little bitch is.”
James from the football team steps forward. “We’re just trying to have a good time, man. Go home.”
Manny steps toward him and raises his fist. On impulse, I grab his arm. He turns around and hits me so hard, I am sure my body will shut down. His fist cracks against my temple and sends me flying to the floor. Almost instantly, everything is black. I hear someone scream before everything goes silent.
“Fight!”

When I wake up, my head is blaring. It sounds like the music is still playing, only just the bass- and only by my right temple. A couple of people are crouched around me. Some others are huddled in a group a few feet away.
“The police are on their way.” James hangs up his phone and paces back and forth across the room. “Ambulance too.”
“Brian, can you hear me?” The face above me is so familiar that I nearly cry. Her voice floats into my head so softly.
Lily.
“Brian, answer me.” Her tears spill on my neck and face.
“I can hear you.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Ethan stands up a few feet away and covers his face. “This isn’t happening. This is not happening.”
“Where the hell is Samantha?” Ivy pulls her phone out and presses a few keys.
Everything is happening in a swirl of colors and bodies and voices that I recognize but cannot process. Lily holds my head in her hands with a pack of ice pressed on the right side. She rocks back and forth.
“When did you get here?” I manage.
“I was looking for you,” is all she says.
Finally my mind starts to settle and I can process thoughts again. I have no idea how long I was out, but I do know that the house is nearly empty now. I know that the police are on the way. And I know that this is my fault. I sit up slowly.
“You probably shouldn’t be moving.” Crash sits on his knees next to me. “Manny got you pretty good.”
“Really?” I hold the ice to my head. “I hadn’t noticed.”
I stand up and catch my balance. The room is still spinning, but not as badly as it was before. Lily stands up next to me. The coppery taste of blood swirls around my tongue and I realize my lip is cut. Blood stains the front of my shirt.
“What are you doing?” Lily touches my arm.
“I’ll be back.”
Somehow, being knocked out makes one completely sober. Besides my pounding head, I feel no remnants of the meth, the weed, or the alcohol that was just floating through my system moments ago. I hurry up the stairs, despite Lily’s pleas to stay downstairs with her. I make my way to my room to stash my weed and pills in the bathroom just to be safe.
I open the bathroom door to find Ruby sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Gabe DeCarteret is lying at her feet, his forehead covered in sweat.
“Get out of here,” I say. My breath is getting harder to catch. “And take the geek with you.”
Panic spreads across her face when she sees me. “Brian, what happened to you? What’s going on?”
I steady my breathing for a second before I answer.
“The cops are on their way.”
She gasps and immediately enters panic mode. I help her get Gabe off of the floor and out into the hallway.
“Are you alright?” She asks me. “You don’t look good.”
“I’m fine,” I assure her. “Just get him out of here.”
But I am not fine. My head is spinning again. The blood is still seeping into my mouth and onto my shirt. I watch Ruby descend the stairs with Gabe holding onto her. I thought that I was sober, that I was okay. But everything is still there. The ocean of tequila comes back in crashing waves, filling my head with a frothy, doped up mist. The pain from Manny’s blow is only making things worse. I am going to be sick. I barely make it into my dad’s bathroom before my face hits the cold linoleum. Everything goes silent and black again. Someone touches me, but I do not respond. I reach out, but the drugs pull me farther and farther under.

I am drowning.

November 17: Samantha

This must be what it is like to be a celebrity. Cameras flashing, people screaming your name and reaching out to touch you. Glorious parties that follow marvelous performances. Mansions that hold hundreds of people who are all there to celebrate you and the gorgeous boy draped around your shoulders. Expensive dresses and cherry red lips; big hair and skinny heels. This feels like a dream, like I am watching myself from a million miles away in the sky. I wonder if this is what it feels like when you are famous, when you are a celebrity.
Who the hell would want to be a celebrity?
The camera flashes are enough to blind me. Purple and green spots float before my eyes with each snap of the next person’s camera. Brian’s long sidewalk is like a red carpet, wet with the rain from earlier today. I walk the cement carpet slowly, with Anderson right next to me. He wraps me close to him and my steps match his in a perfect rhythm. People throw red and white streamers and confetti at us, and I focus my steps so that my feet do not get tangled in the streamers.
“Great game!” People yell at us.
I smile and wave to all of them. The girls run up to me and I let go of Anderson long enough to hug them. Ethan and Tommie make their way down the steps and shake hands with him.
“Let me get a picture of you guys!” Raina from the cheerleading squad pulls her camera out. The girls gather around me and the boys pose in the back. Everyone puts on their best smile while other people take their cameras out for a quick snapshot.
“This party is insane,” I say to Ivy after we are done taking pictures.
“Tell me about it!” She puts her arm through mine and pulls me towards the house. “It’s even better inside!”
“Be careful, babe.” I turn around and see Anderson still standing on the sidewalk with the guys. “I’ll be in there soon.”
“Okay.”
I know that I will not be seeing him very much tonight. He is the star of this show. Everyone wants to talk to him, take pictures with him, and congratulate him on a great game. Everyone with half of a brain knows that Anderson and the rest of the Boomers played an amazing game. We beat North Lincoln seventy-five to thirty-three last night. And now, we have no choice but to celebrate with the rest of Five Points.
I’d rather claw my eyes out.
But instead, I follow the girls through the crowded living room and into the kitchen. We find a corner of empty counter space and mix our drinks. I pour a couple of shots of rum into a plastic bottle and fill the rest of it with pineapple juice.
“Let’s take a shot!” Reece pulls out a set of glasses and sets them on the counter. She pours cherry-flavored vodka into each glass and hands each of us one.
“To us.” She raises her glass in the air. “To being the prettiest girls in school, the best cheerleaders in the state, and having the best senior year ever.”
“And to having a damn good time tonight,” Lena adds. “Let’s go crazy, ladies.”
We clink our glasses together and throw them back. Even Jade takes a shot. The vodka is sweet and goes down easy. I chase it with my drink. The rum mixed with my pineapple juice makes for a delicious drink that is easy on my stomach. Tonight I plan to go crazy. I plan to let go and give in to being the person they all want to be. Just for tonight, I will be a star. I will be Anderson’s prize girlfriend, and I will like it.
We take another shot before going upstairs and stashing our alcohol in one of the bedrooms. One thing Reece and Lena hate is people stealing their expensive alcohol. So we put the bottles in a bag and hide it in a corner under the bed.
“This house is amazing,” I say.
Lena shrugs. “It’s alright. Nothing special.”
I consider pushing her down the stairs. I could blame in on being tipsy, or say that I slipped. Nobody would question me and she is already drunk, so she probably wouldn’t even care. But pushing someone down the stairs means getting doctors involved, possibly police. So I will settle for getting lost in the crowd of people and not seeing her for the rest of the night.
“Samantha!” Someone calls from behind me.
“I’m changing my fucking name,” I mumble to Jade.
But Jeoff Kente comes up to me and a genuine smile spreads across my face. I was not expecting to see him here, but I assume the guys from the basketball team dragged him out. He looks great, dressed in a button-up shirt and jeans.
“Hey Jeoff!” I hug him. “What are you doing here?”
“The team dragged me.” He shrugged. “They said I didn’t have a choice. But I’m not drinking.”
“That’s a shame.” I cluck my tongue. “Well, I’m so glad you’re here. You looked great on the court last week.”
“Thanks, you too.” He smiles.
With playoffs going on, we are all training for both football and basketball. Between the two sports, I barely have time for anything else. But it is always great to see Jeoff on the court. He is a natural.
“It was great seeing you.” I touch his arm. “Let me know if you want to play a game of beer pong with me. I’ll drink for the both of us.”
“Sure thing, Sam.” He laughs and walks away with Jared from the basketball team.
“Come and dance with me!” Ivy grabs my hand and pulls me into the living room. “This music is hot!”
I follow her and Lena trails behind me. We make our way to the center of the dance floor and everybody cheers for us. The song changes and I find a rhythm wedged in between my two girls and all of the bodies around us. After several songs, Lena steps away to make another drink. Seconds later, another body is pressed against mine.
Hands wander over my side, my back, and my legs. Not all of them are female. Ivy’s touch is gentle but sexy. The male hands are aggressive and greedy. I know it is not Anderson behind me. But with each sip of my drink, I care less and less. His hands move over me, grab my butt firmly and slide over my thighs. He wraps his hands around my waist and touches Ivy too. Her eyes flash and she seems okay with it. Eventually a boy makes his way behind her and our hands wander all over each other. She kisses my neck, and so does the boy behind me. Dancing and moving makes the alcohol charge through my system and send me skyrocketing into apathy.
We move in sync against the rest of the people in the dark room. The flashing strobe light makes me dizzy and even more intoxicated. I dance with Ivy until I can’t see straight. Once a song finishes, I stop moving.
“I need another drink,” I tell her.
“I’ll be here,” she yells.
I turn around to thank my dance partner and am mortified at the face of the person standing next to me. He cowers over me, all tall and dark and covered in leather and dark jeans.
“Nice moves,” Riley smirks.
“You fucking asshole,” I push past him.
I make my way through the crowd of moving bodies and out into the foyer. Riley follows me and calls my name. Everyone around me is either too distracted to notice, or too drunk to care.
“Samantha, wait!” He pulls my arm.
“Get off of me!” I hurry up the stairs and nearly trip in my high heels. I stumble up the rest of the staircase without looking back at him.
He chuckles. “Very graceful.”
“Fuck you,” I mumble.
“Well let’s go.” He reaches for my hand.
“Riley!” I drive my fist into his chest. “I have a boyfriend. And he is very big and very mean and very protective of me. Don’t make me scream for him.”
“Go ahead,” he encourages me.
I don’t scream.
He grins. “That’s what I thought. Where is lover boy anyway? Shouldn’t he have been the one dancing behind you? Does he not realize how easy it is for his girlfriend to get scooped up in a place like this?”
“Shut up.” I cross my arms and look away.
“It’s very dangerous.” He runs his fingers across my arm. “He should be paying more attention. And you should be more careful.”
“You should stay away from me.”
“Why would I want to do that?” His smile is incredibly sexy. Too sexy. And I am too drunk to stop looking at it. “Come in here with me.” He puts his hand on one of the doorknobs.
“You’re crazy,” I whisper.
“So are you.”
He opens the door and I follow him inside. He turns the light on and I hurry to the corner by the bed and pull my bag of liquor out.
“I’m only in here to get another drink,” I say without looking at him. “I’m going to pour a drink, and then I’m going to go back downstairs and find my boyfriend. And then I’m going to make out with him. Because he is my boyfriend. And-“
Before I can finish, he is behind me. He slinks his arms around my waist and pulls himself close to me. So close that I can feel him between my dress and his jeans. He pulls my hair back and lowers his mouth to the back of my neck. His breath on my ear sends me over the edge. His smell envelopes me. It is intoxicating, all spicy and sweaty and twisted. It is enough to reel any girl in and leave them flopping on the floor begging for oxygen.
I am hooked.
The bottle of rum slips out of my hand and rolls onto the floor. I try to remember if it was closed or not, but not a single bone in my body cares. They all scream out for Riley to keep touching me. He must hear the screams because he drags his hands up over my breasts, and then down my dress again. When his hands move under the thin fabric of my dress, my heart stops.
“We can’t do this,” I whisper. “It isn’t right.”
“It’s okay to be wrong sometimes,” he assures me. His voice is raspy, inviting. Dangerous.
“Anderson,” I mumble.
“No.”
And with that he turns me around to face him. With one arm, he picks me up and lays me down on the bed. I do not stop him. He climbs over me and pulls his jacket off. His muscles bulge through his shirt and I rub my hands over his arms. His muscles are not like Anderson’s. They were not created from hours spent in a gym. They are hardened and tough from years of work.
Until now, Anderson was the only boy to lay over me like this. He was the only boy to run his hands over my body. He was the only boy to really kiss me. But Riley does all of that- and more. When you have only been with one person, it is impossible to know what else exists. But tonight, Riley shows me what fire and lust are. He teaches me about body on body heat, tongues exploring every inch of the human body, fingers trailing over the most sensitive places. He is an excellent teacher.
And I am a willing student.
He kisses my hands, my arms, my shoulders. When I cannot stand it anymore, I pull his shirt over his head. His body is beautiful. He is thick and perfectly sculpted. I run my hands over his chest and abdomen. He stares into me with dark coffee eyes and smiles. That damn smile.
“Should we stop?” He whispers in husky voice. He lowers himself to kiss my neck. “What do you want me to do?”
I do not know if it is me or the alcohol that answers. Perhaps it is not either one. Perhaps it is the burning fire that is roasting me from the inside out, begging me for something new, something dangerous. And Riley is certainly willing to fuel that fire. When he sits up, still straddling me and waiting for my answer, I do not hesitate. I return his crooked grin and stare into his eyes.
“Turn off the light.”
Riley is amazing. An excellent teacher. My mind doesn’t think about the fact that I am lost in the sheets with him and that anyone could walk in at any minute. When someone opens the door and sends a ray of bright light towards the bed, I am drunk and lost enough to ignore it and keep kissing Riley.
“Gross,” a voice whispers and shuts the door. A few seconds later, he opens the bathroom door and shuts it again.
“Who was that?” Riley asks.
“Who cares?”
And Riley shows me that he doesn’t care either. A little while later, someone else comes into the room. I ignore them, too and focus on Riley moving over me.
“I’m sorry.” This time a female voice. She opens the bathroom door too and I wonder if they are doing the same thing I am. I am banking that whatever is going on in that bathroom, it is not as incredible as this.

When we are done, we lay on opposite sides of the bed, still naked. We do not cuddle, and my head is too heavy to try to sit up and put my clothes on. The scene plays in my head again. I do not know whether to cry or pull Riley on top of me and beg him to do it again. I try to remember how this happened. I just cheated on my boyfriend with the one person that I cannot stand. I am a cheater, one thing I said I would never be.
And yet, Anderson still has not come looking for me. I assume he is still downstairs, getting wasted and playing stupid beer pong. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was dancing with some whore, probably Evelyn.
Wait a minute. I am I allowed to call her a whore anymore? Am I on the same level as Evelyn now? Am I a whore? I would hope that I am at least better at it than she is. Before I can turn to ask Riley, someone busts into the bedroom and turns the light on. I pull the blanket over our heads and pray that it isn’t one of my friends.
“Get out of here,” a male voice says. I am pretty sure it is Brian. “And take the geek with you.”
“Brian, what happened to you?” Ruby St. Clair. I had no idea she was here. “What’s going on?”
I swallow heard and wait for Brian to answer. Riley puts his hand on my bare thigh, but this time it is not with fire. He must hear my breathing quickening. He strokes me softly to soothe my sudden wave of fear.
“The cops are on their way.”

When Brian and Ruby leave a few minutes later, I pull the covers off and sit up. I pull my dress over my legs and run my fingers through my hair.
“Slow down,” Riley says. “Just calm down.”
“I can’t be calm, Riley.” I consider putting my shoes on and decide against it. “Didn’t you hear Brian? The cops are on their way. And we’re drunk.”
“I realize that.” Riley sits up. “But if we just stay here, they’ll never find us. Cops can’t search the house unless they have a reason to. It’s true-“
“I don’t care, Riley.” I stand up. “I have to find Anderson and my friends. I have to get out of here. I know you don’t understand, but I’ve got too much going for me to get in trouble.”
“And I wouldn’t understand that.” He lowers his head.
“That’s not what I meant,” I insist. “I just meant that-”
“I get it.” Riley pulls his shirt over his head. “Just go. Find your boyfriend.”
Rather than stand and argue with him, I hurry out of the room and down the stairs. My friends are standing in the foyer.
“There she is!” Lena points to me as I stumble down the stairs. “Where the hell have you been, Sam?”
“I’m sorry,” I stutter. “I was…”
“She was helping me.”
I turn around and see Gabe leaning over a trash can. He looks at me and I know that he knows. He must have been the other person in the bathroom with Ruby.
“Gabe got sick,” I say. “And I was just taking care of him. Is the party over?”
“Jesus, Samantha.” Ethan rubs his hand over his hair. “Do you have any idea what is going on?”
Before I can say anything, Ethan points towards the living room. When I turn, everything shatters like the glass I realize I am standing on. Reality punches me in the stomach and twists its claws into my chest. I realize that I am not a celebrity. This is not, in fact, just a dream. And I am not on the red carpet. I push Gabe out of the way and shove my head into the trash can.

Everything escapes me.

November 17: Jeoffrey

Basketball season changes everything. It makes everything a little more manageable. With marching band season coming to a close, I need something to keep my mind occupied. Basketball practices mean getting home later every night. They mean not having to ride the bus with my friends in the afternoon. They mean running and lifting weights and feeling some kind of energy. Basketball games mean screaming fans, packed gyms, and feeling like a star. Away games mean getting out for a little while. And getting home even later. It means being away.
Escape.
The only thing I hate about escaping from the suffocation of my house and Cody’s angry fists is leaving Damien to deal with him. Damien gets extra chores, and if something goes wrong, he is the one punished for it. I hardly get to see my mom during basketball season. She works too much to make it to the games. And besides, five dollars for a ticket is not in our budget right now. So I sneak Damien in when I can.
This week we played our first game. We won by over twenty points. With football season running long, half of our team misses some of the practices. But tonight, we are celebrating major wins for both teams. And the guys told me I had no choice but to be there.
“You’ve got to come,” James had said Thursday after practice. “The whole team is going to be there. “
“Support your fellow teammates, right Jeoff?” Anderson threw a towel at me.
“What if you guys don’t win?” I teased.
They all just laughed.
“You can ride with us,” our point guard, Brandon, told me. “I’m driving.”
I really did not have any excuse not to go. I hate the taste of alcohol, but there is no law that says you have to drink if you are at a party. And the truth is I would rather be hanging out with the team than sitting around getting into trouble with Keyan and the guys. And God knows I do not want to be anywhere near Cody for a whole Saturday. So I said yes. And I pray that I do not regret that decision.
Regrets are for those who do not take chances.

Brandon convinces me to drive his fancy black sports car so that he can drink tonight. I barely have a license, but he tells me that he trusts me.
“You break her, you die.” He hands me the keys.
I wind through the streets of the nicest neighborhoods I have ever been in. Every house has lights in the yard that cast shadows on it, showcasing just how huge it is. Brian’s is no different. I park the car carefully across the street and get out before I can break anything.
Brandon and three of our teammates pile out of the tiny car and get their beer out of the trunk. I stuff the keys in my pocket and try to brace myself for what is about to happen. And then I realize where I am. I remember who I am with. With this crowd, anything is possible. And I have been taught to expect the worst.
Anything could happen.

Unlike most of my generation, I can have a good time without drinking. Luckily I am used to all kinds of smoke, because the smell is enough to knock someone down upon entering the house. I follow my teammates inside and shake hands with a few people in the foyer. It is packed with people from various team and cliques.
Several minutes later, the elite show up. James and Anderson walk in carrying cases of beer with Ethan and Tommie behind them.
“It’s about time you guys showed up,” I say.
“Jeoff!” James shakes my hand and slaps me on the back. “I can’t believe you actually came.”
“I told you I’d be here.”
“You won’t regret it,” Anderson assures me. “You want a beer?”
“I’m good.” I shake my head.
“We’re going to play pong outside.” He takes a swig from a can of beer. “You want in on it? I’ll drink for you.”
I shrug. “Sounds good.” I decide that if I have to be here until my friends are ready to leave, I may as well have a good time. I follow James through the kitchen with a bottle of water in my hand.
“You look good, man.” James puts his arm around my shoulders. “I’m digging the tank top.”
I am wearing an old, yellow Nike tank top that I found in Keyan’s closet, a pair of my nicest jeans, and a black “Members Only” jacket that my mom splurged on last Christmas. My snapback Chicago Bulls hat is one I found in the locker room one day after practice. The outfit cost pennies compared to the expensive name brands James is wearing, and he probably knows that. But he does not seem to care, so I take the compliment.
“Thanks, man. You look good, too.”
The deck outside is pretty crazy. There are a bunch of guys from various teams crowded around the table with girls hanging from their arms and spilling red drinks everywhere. James throws his hands up in the air, a beer in each of them.
“I brought a new partner, boys!”
Everyone starts clapping and I cannot help but smile. I have to admit it feels good being wanted. These people, who live on a completely different planet from me, somehow push that aside and accept me. That does not happen very often around here. I thank God for my jump shot and my mother’s good job of raising me.
Mama’s parenting did nothing for my beer pong skills. James teaches me how to find my form and eventually, I become pretty good at it. For every ball the other team makes, James drinks for the both of us. He doesn’t seem to mind.
“You’re so good!” Caroline, from the cheerleading squad, puts her arm around my waist. “I can’t believe you’re sober.”
“Thanks,” I say and inch away from her. I’m not interested in her wandering hands, the gin on her breath, or the cleavage tumbling out of her shirt.
The next team up is a kid from the soccer team. I cannot believe it when Audrey Oliver steps up beside of him with a cup in her hand. She chugs half of the cup before we even start the game. The guy pours more alcohol into her cup and smiles to his friends.
“What’s she doing here?” I ask James.
“Who cares?” He shrugs and dunks his ball into a cup of water. “All that matters is that we beat her!”
Against my better judgment, I play against Audrey and her guy. Every time I sink a ball into one of their cups, she guzzles alcohol. This cannot be normal. Am I the only one noticing that Audrey Oliver, the biggest geek in school, is standing at the end of the table drinking rum like it is apple juice? There is something weird in the air- chance. Everyone is taking entirely too many chances tonight.
When does chance become risk? And when does a risk become a hazard?
After several undefeated games, Ethan and Anderson beat us. I leave the table and my teammates and head back into the kitchen. The party is getting wild, with people in every inch of space. I make my way through the kitchen and into the living room where the music is pulsing and a hundred bodies move with it.
“Dance with me!” Caroline pulls my arm and drags me into the middle of the floor. She moves in front of me and sways her hips to the music.
Across from me, Samantha is dancing with someone. It is dark, except for the flashing strobe light. But from what I can see, it is Riley moving behind her. People are definitely taking too many chances tonight. But I decide to forget about it and press my body against Caroline’s. You only live once, right?

When the smoke and body heat becomes too much, I work my way through the house to get outside. In the foyer, I see Riley follow Samantha upstairs. They are shouting at each other. Investigating would be too tiring; and I’m already exhausted.
“What’s up, Jeoff?” Crash Law stands on the front porch with a beer in his hand and a cigar in his mouth. “How’s it going?”
“Good, man.”
“Didn’t think I’d see you tonight.” He takes a puff from the cigar and offers it to me. To both of our surprise, I take it.
“Me either.” I shrug and take a drag. The cigar is flavored and tastes good. It calms my grating nerves for a second. “I thought I might need a change.”
“Change is good.” He nods and takes the cigar back. “You drinking?”
“Nope.”
“Not that much change, huh?” He chuckles.
“I guess not.”
He heads back into the house and I walk down the sidewalk. The night is cool and the air is eerily still, despite the music that echoes through the windows and walls.
Over the loud music, the crashing of bodies against each other, and the shouts of everyone trying to talk over everyone else, I hear someone crying. To my right, a girl is sitting on the curb. She is crouched over with her head in her lap and her hands over her head. A pair of ridiculously high heels sits next to her. She sniffles and gasps as her back heaves up and down in an ungraceful arch.
I step a few inches closer and realize it is Evelyn. I should have known. Nobody else has hair that wild or heels that high. My heart stops and then quickens almost instantaneously.
“Are you alright?”
She stops gasping and slowly lifts her head. Under the spotlight of the street lamp, I can see her makeup is smeared all over her face. Her cheeks are puffy and red, her eyes swollen and wet. Her breasts are about to spill out of her too-short dress. Her hair swirls around her like a tangled, fiery tornado. Despite the storm she has become, she is stunning.
“Just walk away.” She looks down in her lap. “That’s what everyone else has done. They just keep on walking. It’s like I don’t even exist.”
“A guy can’t just walk away when they see a girl crying on the side of the street.” I stuff my hands in my pockets and inch my way closer to her. “That just wouldn’t be right.”
“A gentleman, huh?” She sneers. “You only have to be polite to women who deserve it. I’m no lady.” Her voice is raspy from crying, deep from being Evelyn, and strained from trying to hold onto herself. It intoxicates me.
I sit down next to her and wrap my arms around my knees. I am careful not to sit too close. The last thing I want to do is run my dream girl off before I’ve barely been able to speak to her.
We sit there in heavy silence for a few seconds. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you know.”
“Why not?” She laughs. “Nobody else seems to have a problem with it.”
“Who cares what they think?”
“Easy for some kid on the basketball team to say.” She rolls her eyes. I do not know whether I should take this as an insult that she is assuming things, or as a compliment- because she knows about me. “I guess it’s just easier for some people.”
“Easy?” I try to keep my voice down. “Don’t talk to me about easy, Evelyn.”
She shrugs. “You come to school, everyone loves you, you do your work, and you go home. You have friends, fans. Hell, I’m sure you’ve probably already got all of your college bullshit lined up. Sounds pretty ideal to me.”
“That’s the problem with people,” I tell her. “They assume too much.”
“So I’m wrong?” She looks at me. “None of that is true?”
“It might be.” I stare hard at her. “But you don’t know the reasoning behind it. You don’t know why I play basketball. You don’t know why I work hard in school. You don’t know.”
“Well, tell me.”
I realize that she has finally stopped crying. The black makeup starts to firm up on her face but she does nothing about it. So I do not say anything. I consider spilling everything, letting it pour out of me like the vodka she lets spill out of the bottle beside of her. Deciding that I could easily scare her away with the truth, I give her a condensed version of it.
“I’ve got to get out of here.”
She remains quiet for a minute, and then pours the last bit of alcohol onto her tongue. “You aren’t the only one.”
“Why are you out here, Evelyn?” I take the bottle from her. “What happened?”
“Boys are stupid,” she tells me. “And I forgot that for the tiniest second, and I got fucked over. That’s what happened.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shakes her head. But she also keeps talking. “Riley and I were never official, you know? He wasn’t my boyfriend, and I wasn’t his girlfriend.”
Riley. Of course.
She continues with slurred, loopy words. “But at the end of the day, I felt something there. I know what everyone thinks about me. They think I’m dirty. They think I’m just some stupid slut who uses her body to get what she wants. They think I’m not worth anything. Don’t they?”
“That’s not true,” I tell her.
She closes her eyes. “Don’t lie! It’s the truth. I am a slut, and I do use my body. And I am worthless. I’m a fucking idiot, because no matter how many times I get let down, I believe that one day a guy will be different. I keep telling myself that something will change. I was crazy to think he could change. Because nobody ever changes, do they?”
I am not sure how to answer. Instead of thinking about what I would say, I put myself in KT’s shoes and think about what my best friend would say. He was always so much better at giving advice and talking to girls than I was. In my head, I reach out to him. Help me out, KT. Help me help this girl.
“You’re not crazy. People change,” I tell her. “But they only change for themselves. They will only change because they want to. You want Riley to turn into your perfect, sweet, loyal, committed boyfriend, right?”
She sighs, and I take it as a confirmation.
“Until Riley wants to become that for you or someone else, he’s going to keep doing what he does.” I clasp my hands together and force my nerves down before I continue. “Until you start believing and acting like you are worth something, nobody else is going to believe it. You can only change yourself.”
She is quiet and I sit next to her in our quiet bubble. That bubble bursts when she starts to cry again.
“I’m sorry.” She covers her face. “You probably think I’m a total idiot. What kind of girl falls for Riley Sutton?”
“All of them,” I say.
That makes her laugh and relief washes over me. She scoots closer to me and her hair tickles my arm.
“I’m not like other girls.” She wipes her face on her jacket. “And Riley is an asshole. I hope he has fun with that little…“
I wait for her to finish. I am sure that some pretty terrible words are about to come out of her mouth, and I think she is sure of it to. But before she lets them out, I can see her thinking about it. And her face softens. And finally, she finishes.
“I hope he is happy.”
I am not sure what else to say, but I don’t think she needs me to say anything else. She rests her head on my shoulder and sniffs.
“Don’t tell anyone I’m weak,” she says with her mouth pressed against my arm. “They’ll eat me alive.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Why haven’t we ever talked before?” She asks without lifting her head. “I mean, I’ve always known who you were. I guess I never thought you would be so… smart.”
“Yeah, most people don’t.” I chuckle. “It comes with the skin color.”
“That’s stupid.” Her voice has become a whisper.
A few seconds later, the sound of footsteps quickly approaching snaps both of us out of our daze. To my right I see a group of people walking towards us. From the silhouettes of baggy jeans and puffy jackets, I can tell they do not belong here. When they get closer and I hear Spanish flittering from their mouths at warp speed, I realize that something is very wrong.
“What the hell?” Evelyn looks up.
“Shh,” I tell her.
When she realizes who they are, she grabs onto my arm and tightens her grip. Her nails dig into my skin, but I do not mind. A few seconds later, Manny Aviles and several of his friends walk past us. He looks down at me, squints his eyes, and clenches his jaw. Panic stirs from inside of me.
But he isn’t here to see me.
They keep walking. Towards Brian’s house.
“Come on,” I urge Evelyn. I stand up and hold my hand out for her.
She struggles to get up and grabs her shoes. I pull her around the house through the side yard and around to the back deck. She follows me up the stairs and into the house. Brian is standing in the kitchen making drinks for a couple of girls. I let go of Evelyn’s hand and hurry to the counter.
“What’s up man?” He smiles. He is clearly more intoxicated than the last time I saw him a couple of hours ago.
“Brian.” I get close to him. “Manny and his crew just rolled up.”
His eyes get wide. “What? What are they doing here?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “But they didn’t look like they were here for the beer pong or the dancing. You feel me?”
He nods and hurries past me.
I find Brandon and the other guys playing flip cup in the dining room. I hurry over to him and pull him right out of the game.
“What the fuck, Jeoff?” He is wasted. “We’re going to lose!”
“Manny Aviles is here,” I tell Brandon. “I don’t have a good feeling about this. We need to leave.”
“He’s probably just here for the party, man!” He slaps me on the shoulder. “Just have some fun.”
I look at Evelyn, who is just as freaked as I am. It reads all over her makeup-smudged face. I pull Brandon’s keys out my pocket and look him straight in the eye.
“You can either leave with me, or you can stay. But I’m getting out of here right now.”
He knows I am serious, despite the alcohol in his system begging him to stay. He rounds up the other guys, who are pissed that I’m making them forfeit. Clayton and Will decide to stay, and I do not really care. Brandon and Matt follow me though, and we head out to the foyer.
“Where is Riley Sutton?”
Manny is standing in the foyer with his gang. Everyone stands around him, completely shocked that he is here. I see in all of their faces that they are terrified. The girls cower behind their boys, and the boys search as well as they can to see if Manny has a gun on him.
Nobody answers, so he pushes through the crowd towards the living room. Alex comes through the front door a few seconds later. Evelyn is still behind me.
“Jeoff, have you seen Riley?” Alex asks. His face is flustered and I know he must have just had an encounter with the Kings.
“I saw him go upstairs about an hour ago.” I point towards the stairs. “Look kid, things are about to get real in here. Do you need a ride home?”
“What do you mean?” He asks.
A few seconds later, the music is off and people are yelling. Glass crashes against walls, and the room next to us pulsates with adrenaline. I grab Evelyn’s hand.
“Let’s go!”
She follows me outside, with Alex right next to us. Matt decides to stay, but Brandon trails behind us. I know he wants to stay and see what is going on.
“Can we please stay?” Brandon begs me. “This could be the fight of the year!”
I unlock the door to his car and let the others in behind my seat. “Fight of the year means blood, broken bones, and lots of damages. That means police. Police mean drinking tickets. You trying to lose that scholarship before you even sign the contract?”
Brandon sighs at the weight of reality and slips into the passenger seat. He is nearly passed out before I can even start the car. My hands shake as I put the key into the ignition and put the car into drive. With a passed out Brandon in the front, and a panicked and crying brother and sister in the back, I press the gas and get us out as quickly as possible.
This is what happens when you take a chance. You risk everything for one night of escape, and everything can go sour in an instant. But in the mirror, I can see Evelyn staring out her window. The faintest smile is wedged onto her face, while tears still stream down her cheeks. Maybe taking this chance was worth it, if even only for those few moments I had with her. Perhaps I should take chances more often.

Chance can change everything.

November 17: Audrey

Fate is not something to be tampered with. It is impossible to beat his twisted game of chess. No matter how well you hide your secrets, he has a way of winding inside of your mind and figuring them out. He knows what you want, what you desire. And it is he who decides whether to give you those things. It seems as though Fate favors some over others. Fate seems to enjoy making you crazy, twisting your thoughts and making you think that something is meant to be- before snatching it from your grasp like an ice cream cone.
Tonight, fate is melting all over me. He toys with me, taunting me with sugary sweet cream and promises of a new beginning. I am terrified of Fate. I like to believe that I decide my own destiny. But not if Fate will have his way. No, he will continue to make me a pawn in his spiteful, manipulative game.
Checkmate.
“This can’t be happening.” I turn the key and try to start my car for the tenth time. “It’s not possible.”
But apparently it is. Apparently, cars can work one minute and not work the next. Fate must be terribly good with sparkplugs.
“Dang it.” I slam my hand on the steering wheel and lower my head.
I deserve this for being stupid enough to consider coming to a party. My parents would kill me if they knew I was here, rather than at the youth lock-in at church. Literally, they would lock me in my room and deprive me of food and water until I withered away in my bed. But right now, I would rather be dead than sitting down the street from Brian Phillips’ party. My eyes start to water and I curse myself for not owning waterproof mascara. A knock on the window shakes me out of my tantrum.
“Everything alright?”
I open the door and see Riley Sutton standing there holding a case of beer. He has on his leather jacket, like always. Even in the dark, I can tell he is beautiful. The street lights cast shadows on his perfect ace.
“Audrey,” he smiles. “You made it.”
“My car won’t start,” I tell him. My face flushes and I wipe my cheeks.
“Where are you going?” He asks. “You just got here, didn’t you?”
“This was a mistake,” I tell him. “I shouldn’t be here. This isn’t my scene. Nobody wants me here and I-”
“I want you here,” he says. “I asked you to come, remember?”
How could I forget? We were in woodshop putting the finishing touches on our dollhouse when he brought it up.
“What are you doing Saturday night?” he had asked.
“Nothing,” I told him.
“That’s not true.” He smiled at me. “I want you to come out. Brian Phillips is having a party and everyone is going.”
“I couldn’t.” I shook my head. “I don’t drink.”
“You don’t have to drink.”
“My parents would never let me go.”
“Don’t tell them.”
Every excuse I threw at him, he provided a solution for. Riley has the ability to get me to do anything. He got me to hold a drill, to listen to what my mother calls ‘Devil music.’ His voice is smooth and creamy, and I indulge in his every word. He wrote down the address on a piece of paper and stuck it in my notebook.
“In case you change your mind,” he had told me. Then he winked at me. That scene has played over and over in my head over the last week.
So I did it. I lied to my parents and told them I would be at the lock-in with the rest of my church youth group. I made a plan to sleep at Dakota’s house and go home in the morning. I put on jeans and a floral top that ruffles around my breasts. I left my grandma’s pearls and put in a pair of hoop earrings. And I drove to the address Riley had written on the piece of paper.
“I remember,” I tell him. “I just don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Well, I don’t think it is just coincidence that your car won’t start.” He smiles. “Sounds like fate to me.”
“I don’t know.” I close my eyes.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he says. “You come inside and stay for an hour. Just an hour. And after that, I’ll come back out here with you and take a look at your car. I am a mechanic, you know?”
“I know,” I mutter.
He holds his hand out and stares at me. In this moment I have two options. I can keep trying to start my car, and eventually have to call my parents to pick me up. That would mean months of grounding, and the end of any chance I ever had at seeing Riley. The other option is to take Riley’s hand, and go to the party. It is only an hour, I tell myself.
How much could possibly happen in an hour?

Riley walks slowly with me down the sidewalk towards Brian’s house. I breathe in and out and try to remind myself that I want this. I have always dreamt of what this would be like.
“You look great,” he tells me.
“Thanks.”
“Wait a minute.” He stops me a few yards away from the house and opens the case of beer in his hand. “Try one.”
He offers me a bottle of Yueng Leng. The dark green bottle is cold and heavy in my hand. Everything in my heart screams at me to stop. My heart rate quickens with panic. But Fate punches me in the brain and my body says otherwise.
“Here you go.” He twists the top off. “If you don’t like it, you can give it back to me. I won’t be offended. I just want you to try it.”
Suddenly I am brave. I lift the bottle to my lips and take a quick sip. The beer doesn’t taste as terrible as I had imagined it would. It is surprisingly smooth, cold. Good. I take another drink, this one longer.
“I guess you like it.” Riley laughs. “I thought you would. A good drink can take your mind off of anything.”
“Thanks.” I take another sip from the bottle and hand it back to him.
“That’s it?” He chuckles. “That’s all you’re going to drink?”
I nod.
“Audrey, you are too good for me.” He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t even be trying with you. You’re too good, too sweet. I’d kill you.”
“Too good?” I didn’t even think that was possible. What the hell is so wrong with not being an alcoholic whore? What is wrong with wanting to make good grades? When did it stop being okay to be good?
“Yeah,” he says. “You’re too good. And I’m bad. You’ve got too much going for you and I would just screw you up. I’m fucking crazy.”
“You aren’t that bad,” I tell him. “And you’re not crazy.”
“What the fuck are you doing with her?” Evelyn’s voice shatters my newfound bravery as she comes storming across the lawn.
“Evelyn, chill out.” Riley rolls his eyes. “We’re just talking.”
She ignores him and turns to me. “What the hell are you doing here, Bloody Mary? Don’t you have a book to read or something?”
“Don’t talk to her like that.” Riley steps in front of me.
Evelyn puts her hands on her hips. “What is she, your girlfriend? Riley Sutton doesn’t have those, remember?”
“Shut up, Evelyn.”
“Did you hear that, Goody-Two-Shoes?” Evelyn looks at me. “He’s just going to use you to get what he wants. That’s what men do. They use you.”
“I’m done with you.” Riley hurries off and Evelyn trails after him.
“Don’t walk away from me!” She struggles to keep up with him.
I stand there on the sidewalk with chills running down my spine. Fate had just taken a boy that made my entire body freeze and ignite in flames at the same time. Fate put him in front of me, enticed him to give me a beer, and urged me to accept it. Fate led me to believe that the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on could actually be interested in me. And then Fate pulled him away and pushed him into the hands of a harlot who used her body for everything she wanted. And as mad as I am at Fate right now, there is only one thought bouncing around the walls of my head.
Where can I get more beer?

Alcohol makes you brave. It makes you believe you can do anything. It allows you to put on a disguise, to be someone completely different. And for a girl, alcohol is very easy to come by. I walk cautiously to the back of the house. In the backyard, several kids stand around a keg. I don’t even know how the thing works, but after watching a few people, I think I understand.
“Whoa,” a guy says when I walk up to the keg. “Who are you?”
“Audrey,” I mutter. I stumble over my words. “Can I have a beer?”
“Sure.” He nods. His hair is dark and curls around his face. I assume that he is one of Brian’s friends, assigned to run the keg. “Usually it’s two bucks a cup. But you’re so pretty that I’ll make an exception.”
His words catch me so off guard that I cannot respond. He couldn’t have been talking to me when he said that someone was pretty. That is not a word that is ever used to describe me. But he fills up a plastic cup and hands it to me, free of charge.
“Drink up, beautiful.” He winks. “Just be careful.”
I take the cup from him and make my way across the backyard. I take long sips of the beer. It is not as smooth as what Riley gave me, but at least it was free. I venture up the steps to the deck where a few guys are playing a game. They take turns trying to throw ping pong balls into cups on the opposite end of a table. People stand around and cheer for them. The game seems stupid, but I stand and watch for several minutes.
I drink my beer faster than I thought I would. Just when I notice my cup is empty, a boy nudges against me.
“I’ve never seen you before.” He smiles. “Do you go to Five Points?”
“Yes,” I mumble.
“I’m Dillon. What’s your name?”
“Audrey.”
“Pretty name.” He looks at my cup. “Looks like you’re running a little low.” He pulls a bottle out of a book bag at his feet.
“Try some of this.” He pours a clear liquid into my cup. “It tastes like candy.”
I take his word for it and do not hesitate to take a sip. He is right- the liquor tastes like liquid strawberry candy, with a bite.
“Thanks,” I say.
He puts his arm around me and pulls me close. “So tell me about yourself, Audrey.”
I decide that him being this close could be dangerous. Taking alcohol from a guy I’ve known for five seconds could be twice as dangerous. But there are other people around us. And the liquor tastes so good. Riley was not lying when he said a good drink can make everything better. I decide to give Fate a run for his money. And a hard kick in the balls, while I’m at it.
With each refill, my head gets cloudier. Each sip is a train into vulnerability. I help Dillon finish off his strawberry rum and take a beer that his friend offers me. Dillon asks me to be his partner for the cup game, which I later learn is called beer pong. I am terrible at it, but with each drink, my aim gets a little better. When the ball lands in one of the cups, Dillon nuzzles his face against my neck.
“Good girl,” he says each time. “That’s a good girl.”
Sober Audrey would never be here. She would never allow a guy to put his hands on her, would never indulge in drinks provided by strange boys and giddy girls. She would never talk to every person she saw. But sober Audrey is the one who brought drunk Audrey to the party in the first place. So maybe I have always been a drunk. There is a reason my parents have kept me away from this stuff throughout high school. Because they despise happiness. And alcohol makes me feel happy. It changes who I am, strips away all of my worries and my fear.
It makes me feel incredibly good.

“You want to get out of here?” Dillon whispers in my ear after our sixth game of beer pong. He rubs his hand over my stomach.
Although I am drunk, I am not stupid. And I am still coherent enough to know that going home with a boy who has hands that wander like Dillon’s, is a stupid idea. But when his breath tickles the hairs on my neck, it is hard to want to say no.
Who am I, and what have I done with Audrey? I push him away softly and laugh. I cannot even remember the last time I actually laughed.
“I can’t,” I tell him. “I’m a good girl.”
He and the guys around me laugh. “Good girls don’t exist, sweetie,” Dillon tells me. “There are bad girls, and girls who are meant to be bad, but try to fight it.”
He pulls my shirt up and exposes my stomach. “Don’t fight it anymore.”
I push his hands away. “I’m a fighter. I am a good girl. I don’t drink.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” one of Dillon’s friends says.
“I don’t,” I insist. “I’m good. I want to be good.” My tongue feels like it weighs a hundred pounds as I try to speak.
“Don’t make me get rough.” Dillon wraps his arms around me and presses my body against his. He is stronger than I would have expected.
Fear fills me up until I think I could puke. It is a very sobering feeling. What have I done? What happened? I put my hands against Dillon’s chest as he kisses my forehead firmly.
“Fight!” Someone yells from inside the house.
“Dude, there’s a fight!” One of Dillon’s friends pulls on his arm. “Let’s go check it out!”
Dillon follows his friends in a drunken stupor and I let a deep sigh escape my lungs. I do not go inside, as Fate has just handed me a free move to get away from Dillon and his wandering hands. I make my way down the steps carefully with Dillon’s book bag strapped over my shoulder. I figure I deserve whatever he has left after letting him get a glimpse of my pasty stomach.
I stumble to my car, ignoring all of the screams and yells coming from inside of the house. When I get to my car, I remember that Riley was supposed to fix it. I reach into my phone and dial his number.
No answer.
Not that it really matters anyway. I am intelligent enough to know that trying to drive in my current condition would be lethal. I open the back door and climb into the backseat. In Dillon’s bag, I find several liquor bottles and a few cans of beer. I pop open a beer and lay across the seat.
As I fill up on a few more beers, my head begins to feel like a fish tank. My thoughts get lost, swimming around in the cloudy waters like little tadpoles. Dirt and leaves clog my brain until I am no longer awake enough to care about the thoughts swimming around. They gasp for air, beg to be brought back to life. But for the first time in my life, I do not think about anything. I simply slide down into the seat of my car and let myself swim. Gasp. Suffocate.

Pass out.