November 17: Evelyn

We ride in silence to Brian’s house. Despite the length of my skirt and the low neck-line on my shirt, my body is hot with anger. I roll my window down all of the way and let the wind whip at my hair. Alex sits in the back of Riley’s car with his hands in his lap. I can tell he is nervous. And he should be. He doesn’t belong here anyway. My goal to have him out of my house and back in Virginia by the middle of the semester is slowly slipping out of reach. And it is partly because Riley keeps offering him pity invites everywhere we go. Usually Alex declines. But tonight he accepted.
And I am pissed.
Riley is mine. He is not Alex’s. The little bastard has already stolen my mom from me, and now he is slowly managing to take my (kind of) boyfriend, too. I refuse to let it happen. I have worked hard to tame Riley and make him mine, and I believe I have almost done just that. I am hoping tonight will be the night we can make things official. I just need to get a few beers in his system to soften up. And a few shots in my own- to give me the courage to ask him. That won’t happen with a naïve freshman on my heels.
Riley rests his hand on my leg. His rough skin against mine makes me crazy. I can’t stay mad at him when he does that. Just touching me makes me want to forgive him for anything he has done or will do. He parks the car behind another one by the curb. Alex and I get out of the car at the same time.
“Stay away from me,” I sneer.
Without saying anything, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and heads towards the party. Riley comes around the front of the car and runs his hand over my hair. It is probably messed up from the wind, but I do not care.
“Try to have some fun tonight, okay?” Riley smiles.
“Whatever,” I mumble. “Stop pretending you’re the good guy.” I take a swig from the bottle of raspberry vodka I managed to buy from the liquor store by my house.
“Maybe I’m trying to be.” He puts his arm around me and pushes me towards Brian’s house. “Wouldn’t that be nice for a change?”
I just shrug. But it would be nice. The thought of Riley being nice and sweet is almost unfathomable. But I think that Riley is capable of being the good guy. Except when it comes to me.
“Just keep drinking,” he urges. “Maybe I’ll actually be able to put up with your attitude tonight.”
I pull away from him but he grabs my arm. “I’m kidding, Ev.”
“You are such an asshole.”
He laughs and kisses the top of my forehead. “So you hate me if I’m nice, but you get pissed when I’m an asshole. I give up. Now, put on a smile and let’s get wasted. I know drunken sex is your favorite.”
As we get closer to the party, I realize that he is right. About the drunken sex, yes. But more importantly, he is right about me. It is very possible that I wouldn’t even like Riley if it were not for his bad boy image. It is almost as though I am asking to be hurt. Setting myself up for pain because I am used to it. Pain is almost comfortable at this point, normal. The fact that people are hurtful is the only thing I know to be true. They hurt you, use you, and then leave you. And I cling to that familiarity. I only like what isn’t good for me.
And we all know that Riley is toxic.

The party is bigger than anything I have ever been to. I usually choose not to venture to any Five Points parties, considering most of the student population hates me. But Riley had insisted that this party would be worth it. And once I have enough alcohol in my system, I won’t care what they are saying about me.
Riley and I make our way onto the dance floor and he moves behind me. He drinks his whiskey and I drink my vodka. A couple of times, we switch. He pours whiskey into my mouth and I embrace the burn that glides down my throat. After several songs, I am tipsy and out of breath.
“I’m going to get my beer.” Riley puts his hand on my back.
“I’ll go with you,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. You should go sign us up for beer pong.” He lowers his head to my neck and licks my skin.
“Okay,” I say without resistance.
He hurries out of the kitchen and I make my way to the back porch. A group of kids are playing beer pong and standing around the long table. I write our names on the white board in the corner and watch for a few minutes.
“What are you doing here, whore?”
I turn and see Lena next to me. Reece and Ivy are behind her. They stand with their hips cocked and their lips pursed. Of all of the people at this party, they choose to stand there and stare at me.
“It’s a party.” I tighten my fingers around my bottle and resist hitting one of them with it. “What are you doing here?”
“I was invited,” Lena says. “Who invited you?”
“Who cares?” I shrug and take a swig from the bottle. “I guess you forgot that this is my friend’s house you’re partying in.”
“I didn’t know the slut had any friends.” Lena turns to Reece and Ivy, who laugh.
“It must get pretty exhausting always worrying about what everyone else is doing, Lena.” I step forward and stare her straight in the eye. “Instead of concerning yourself with my business, why don’t you back the hell up and go get laid? You could use it.”
“That’s your job.” Lena chuckles. “Where is your disgusting little fuck buddy, anyway?”
“Around.” I shrug. “But it seems to me like I’m a hell of a lot happier than you are. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find my disgusting little fuck buddy.”
I push past her and ignore the pain in my shoulder that comes from it. She says something else, but I ignore it and make my way into the house. I force back the tears that start to pool in my eyes and chug a fourth of the bottle of vodka. My head starts to spin but I find my way through the house and outside in the front.
“Riley?” I call for him.
He should be back by now. And he is. I spot him standing on the sidewalk talking to a girl. I realize that the girl is Audrey Oliver. What the hell is she doing here? And why is Riley talking to her? I stomp down the stairs in my five-inch heels, past a group of guys whistling at me.
“What the fuck are you doing with her?” I hurry down the sidewalk.
Riley and Audrey both turn to me. Audrey holds a beer in her hand. For a second I forget about the fact that she is talking to Riley and try to take in what I am seeing: Audrey Oliver with a beer in her hand. And from what I can see, she has already had some of it.
“Evelyn, chill out.” Riley sighs. “We’re just talking.”
Rage consumes me as I realize that it was Riley who gave Audrey the beer. I ignore Riley’s comment and stare straight at the dorky little girl who has everything.
“What are you doing here, Bloody Mary?” I put my hands on my hips. “Don’t you have a book to read or something?”
Riley moves between us. “Don’t talk to her like that.”
“What is she, you’re girlfriend?” I sneer. “Riley Sutton doesn’t have those, remember?”
He shakes his head. “Shut up, Evelyn.”
I am filled with anger. It sweeps over my entire body and fills me from the inside out. My head blares from the alcohol. My heart rate quickens and I let my thoughts become spoken words.
“Did you hear that, Goody-Two-Shoes?” I look past him at Audrey. “He’s just going to use you to get what he wants. That’s what men do. They use you.”
“I’m done with you.” Riley turns away from us.
“Don’t walk away from me!” I hurry after him.
“Evelyn, seriously.” He keeps walking. His strides are twice as long and twice as fast as mine. I can barely keep up in my heels.
“You don’t get to just walk away.” I grab his leather jacket.
He spins around. “Don’t touch me! I mean it, Evelyn.”
“What’s your problem?” My voice is shaky.
He heads around to the side of the house and shoves his beer under the porch. I follow him and wait for him to stand back up.
“Riley?”
“I’m sick of this bullshit.” He turns back to me. His voice is shaky, too. “We fight, then we fuck. And that’s all. I’m done with it. I need something real.”
“What does that mean?”
He sighs. “You’re not good for me, Ev. And I’m not good for you.”
“We could be.” I move towards him. “We could be good for each other. I’m fucked up, Riley. I get that.”
“So am I.”
“I know.” Tears fill my eyes. “You’re the only person who can even begin to understand me. I don’t understand me. But even on my shittiest days, you help me to feel okay with the way things are.”
“That’s just it.” Riley shakes his head. “Things are terrible. Neither one of us is getting better with each other.”
“You make me better,” I assure him.
“No I don’t.” He purses his lips. “I make you comfortable. We’re comfortable. But we aren’t good. We aren’t happy.”
I have no words. Because I know that he is right, but I don’t want him to be. This is not the conversation I was planning for tonight.
“Do you ever lay awake and wonder what’s possible? Do you wonder what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not wish you were dead? Don’t you want to find that?”
I nod.
“I’ve got to find happy,” he says.
“Me too.”
“Alright then.” He leans against the house. “I want us to stay friends, Ev.”
“Friends?” I nearly spit. “I’m not your friend, Riley. Friends don’t exist. As fucked up as you are, you were the only person I have ever trusted. I thought things would be different with you. I thought…” My words die away. “I thought we could change each other. But you’re just a guy. And guys walk away.”
“Evelyn-“
“And girls are stupid enough to fall for it. Over and over again, we fall for it.” Tears stream down my cheeks. My words slur from the vodka, but I continue to push them out. “You are not my friend.”
As right as he is, I do not care. Before he can say anything else, I push past him and around the front of the house. I try to run, but my heels do not allow me to. I nearly snap my ankle by the time I get to the sidewalk. Defeated, I sit down right on the curb and drink several long swallows of vodka.
Riley was right about a lot of things. We have become comfortable. Not happy, but content with the fact that our lives are meant to be miserable. We are meant to be poor, meant to be depressed, meant to be hated. Abandoned. Abused. Forgotten. And we settle for it because accepting defeat is easier than fighting for something better. But together, I felt like we were making each other better. I thought Riley was helping me figure myself out. But he had become just another drug, another outlet. He had become my escape route, and my way of coping. And I was the same for him. He just realized it before I did.
Realization hurts. When you realize the truth, it is more than a slap in the face. It is a punch in the stomach- one that takes the breath out of you and leaves your head spinning. The truth is that I am more lost than I ever thought. And I have just lost the one person who I thought was going to get me out. I slide my heels off and try to catch my breath.
A couple of people get out of a car a few yards away. They walk behind me without saying anything. A few minutes later, three guys walk past me.
“What’s the matter, Evelyn?” I recognize Ryan’s voice. “Couldn’t find anybody to dance with? “
I ignore him.
“Fucking whore.” He and his friends laugh and keep walking.
I break. Tears leap from my eyes and onto the sidewalk faster than I have ever seen. They spill down my neck and chest, soaking my shirt. My breath comes in short, quick gasps. I am sure I could pass out right here.
“Are you alright?”
I look up and see Jeoff Kente standing over me. “Just walk away,” I tell him. “That’s what everyone else has done. They just keep on walking. It’s like I don’t even exist.”
“A guy can’t just walk away when they see a girl crying on the side of the street.” His voice is soft and smooth. “That just wouldn’t be right.”
“A gentleman, huh?” I nearly laugh. “You only have to be polite to women who deserve it. I’m no lady.”
But he doesn’t walk away. Instead he sits down next to me. For a few seconds, both of us are quiet.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you know.”
I shrug. “Why not? Nobody else seems to have a problem with it.”
“Who cares what they think?”
“Easy for some kid on the basketball team to say,” I sneer. “I guess it’s just easier for some people.”
“Easy?” He looks at me. “Don’t talk to me about easy, Evelyn.”
“You come to school, everyone loves you, you do your work, and you go home. You have friends, fans. Hell, I’m sure you’ve probably already got all of your college bullshit lined up. Sounds pretty ideal to me.”
“That’s the problem with people,” he says. “They assume too much.”
“So I’m wrong?” I push. “None of that is true?”
“It might be.” He shrugs. “But you don’t know the reasoning behind it. You don’t know why I play basketball. You don’t know why I work hard in school. You don’t know.”
Touché. My breathing is steady again and I am completely curious about this kid. I’ve known who he was for almost my entire life, yet never spoken to him. And now I want nothing more than to pry his head open and see what is inside.
“Well, tell me.”
“I’ve got to get out of here.”
I drink the last of my vodka. “You aren’t the only one.”
“Why are you out here, Evelyn?” He takes the bottle. “What happened?”
“Boys are stupid,” I reply. “And I forgot that for the tiniest second, and I got fucked over. That’s what happened.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Part of me doesn’t want to. I never want to let another boy in. But a larger part of me says that it is okay to trust this one. So I do. “Riley and I were never official, you know? He wasn’t my boyfriend, and I wasn’t his girlfriend.”
He doesn’t say anything, so I continue, “But at the end of the day, I felt something there. I know what everyone thinks about me. They think I’m dirty. They think I’m just some stupid slut who uses her body to get what she wants. They think I’m not worth anything. Don’t they?”
“That’s not true.”
Rage consumes me again. “Don’t lie! It’s the truth. I am a slut, and I do use my body. And I am worthless. I’m a fucking idiot, because no matter how many times I get let down, I believe that one day a guy will be different. I keep telling myself that something will change. I was crazy to think he could change. Because nobody ever changes, do they?”
He sighs. “You’re not crazy. People change. But they only change for themselves. They will only change because they want to. You want Riley to turn into your perfect, sweet, loyal, committed boyfriend, right?”
I say nothing.
“Until Riley wants to become that for you or someone else, he’s going to keep doing what he does.” I clasp my hands together and force my nerves down before I continue. “Until you start believing and acting like you are worth something, nobody else is going to believe it. You can only change yourself.”
We sit there in silence for a few minutes. That is twice in one night that a boy has been right. I am overwhelmed with emotions. How could anyone- especially a guy- believe that I am worth something? It terrifies me. I start crying again.
“I’m sorry. You probably think I’m a total idiot.” I look up at the sky. “What kind of girl falls for Riley Sutton?”
“All of them.”
I laugh and move closer to him. “I’m not like other girls,” I assure him. “And Riley is an asshole. I hope he has fun with that little…“
I want to call Audrey every name I can possibly think of. But I know it is not her fault. It isn’t her fault that Riley was talking to her. I can’t blame her for being beautiful- and I can admit that she is. I realize that if I want people to stop hating me, I have to stop hating people.
“I hope he is happy,” I say. I lower my head until it rests on his shoulder. “Don’t tell anyone I’m weak,” I beg. “They’ll eat me alive.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He pats my leg.
“Why haven’t we ever talked before?” I ask “I mean, I’ve always known who you were. I guess I never thought you would be so… smart.”
He laughs. “Yeah, most people don’t. It comes with the skin color.”
“That’s stupid.”
Moments later, a group of people is walking towards us. I hear random bits of their conversation. “I’m going to kill that little fucker.”
“We got you.”
“He better be here.”
“Kill him.”
“What the hell?” I say.
“Shh,” Jeoff whispers.
When they get closer, I realize it is Manny Aviles and his crew. Why the hell are they here? It cannot be for any good reason. They walk past us and continue talking as if we are not there. They head straight for Brian’s house. Something is wrong here. This is not their type of party. And I know for a fact that the Kings were not invited.
“Come on.” Jeoff grabs my hand and I follow him towards the house. We pass the Kings and go into the house.
We find Brian and Jeoff quickly explains the situation. “Manny and his crew just rolled up.”
Brian’s eyes widen. “What? What are they doing here?”
Jeoff shrugs. “I don’t know. But they didn’t look like they were here for the beer pong or the dancing. You feel me?”
Brian hurries past us and I follow Jeoff to get the guys he drove. After gathering them up, I follow him through the crowded house, trying to remain calm.
Manny and his friends are standing by the living room. “Where is Riley Sutton?” Manny’s face is as hard as stone.
Oh my God, he is looking for Riley. My mind races as I debate on what I should do. Do I run off to warn Riley, or do I stay next to Jeoff? I cannot think with vodka and adrenaline racing each other through my veins to my brain.
Alex approaches us in the foyer. “Jeoff!” Relief floods his face. “Have you seen Riley?”
Jeoff shakes his head. “I saw him go upstairs about an hour ago. Look kid, things are about to get real in here. Do you need a ride home?”
“What do you mean?” Alex looks confused.
The music stop and chaos begins.
“Fight!”
Panic floods me and my immediate reaction is to run to find Riley. Before I can, Jeoff grabs my hand and pulls me outside. I do not fight him, but I cannot help but wonder what is going on in that house. Why was Manny looking for Riley? And more importantly, did he find him? Who was fighting? Too many questions and not enough coherencies to answer them.
Brandon begs Jeoff to let us stay, but we finally convince him to get in the car. Alex and I slide into the back seat. As Jeoff pulls out of the neighborhood, Alex slides closer to me. His arm rests next to mine and I realize that he is shaking. He is more scared than I am. I place my hand on his leg and he puts his hand over mine. We stay like that until Jeoff drops us off.
After the fifteen-minute drive, I still haven’t heard anything from Riley. I sent him several text messages. I pray to anyone listening that Riley is okay. I mentally take back everything I said to him tonight, all of the horrible things I wished upon him. Jeoff puts his number into my phone and tells me to call him in the morning.
“I will,” I promise him.
I follow Alex into our dark house. It is almost three in the morning, and our parents are definitely asleep. We creep slowly down the hall and open our bedroom doors. Before I go in, I stop.
“Alex,” I whisper.
“Yeah?” His voice is soft and shaky. He is still scared. I am too.
I think about my words carefully before I say them. Because when you say something, it makes it real. Thoughts are safe, private. Words are your reality. I find it easier to be honest since I cannot see Alex’s face in the pitch black hallway. I swallow hard and without hesitation, I say it.
“I don’t hate you.”
He is silent for several seconds and I am sure that he has gone into his room and decided to ignore me. He would have every right to. But I do not regret my words, because they are the truth. Just when I am about to go into my room, Alex speaks up.
“I don’t hate you either.”
With that, we both go into our rooms and close our doors. Without turning on any lights, I find my way to my bed and collapse. Shut away in my dark world of reality, truth starts to unravel. And I finally begin to understand what is real. I turn my phone off and decide that Riley will have to wait. I hope that everything is okay, but in this moment I can only focus on myself. I let the truths unwind in my head and let it fall heavy with reality onto my pillow. Everything I believed to be true, everything I have told myself- I let go. I myself begin to unravel.

I am undone.