November 17: Brian

Playoffs bring everyone together. We all hate Five Points, being there, and everything that high school comes with. But we cannot help but get excited when our team dominates the other schools. No matter who you are, you glow with the thought of you and your school being better than someone else’s. So tonight, everyone from school will gather together to celebrate our victory. We will take shots to touchdowns, shotgun beers for field goals, and kiss strangers for every yard earned. Tonight will boast the party of the century, where anything could happen, and anyone could become a star. And it will all take place on the most familiar territory. Not the office, not the hallways, not the cafeteria, not the field.
My house.
When Anderson had asked me if I wanted to throw the playoff party, my reaction was kind of awkward. I did not know whether to jump at the thought or to punch him for thinking we were still close enough for me to care about his football team. But he knows how much I love to throw a party. And I know I am the only one with a house big enough to hold such a rave.
“I promise to have the team come over to help clean on Sunday morning,” Anderson had assured me.
“I don’t mind doing it,” I had told him. “But if my dad is around, it’s not happening.”
Anderson shrugged. “So make sure he isn’t around.”
I laughed. “Alright, man. I’ll do it.”
“Sweet!” Anderson shook my hand. “This is going to be crazy. Invite everybody you can. And pray that we don’t lose.”
With that, he walked away to join the rest of his crew of jocks.
Luckily for myself and the rest of the student body, my dad is in Indianapolis on business. So all week we have spread the word about the year’s biggest party. Win or lose, we planned to go hard. Especially if we won.
And of course we won.
“Awesome party, Brian!” A kid from the soccer team yells. “You’ve still got it, man.”
“I appreciate it, bro.” I shake his hand and he pushes past me.
The air in the house is thick and hot. Every single student who is anybody is currently crammed in my dad’s mansion. Jocks, stoners, freshmen- nobody cares who you are tonight. Everyone has come together to celebrate our team’s amazing win. Parts of me regret agreeing to throw the party. But those parts are pushed way into the back corners of my brain, smothered by warm, meth-laced smoke and a bitter fire of tequila. Yeah, I’m feeling good. The regretful parts of me are the ones who wish Lily would return my phone calls, or talk to me in Chemistry. But she has kept her distance. And the addicted parts of me hate her for being so good. They feed my body with pills and powdery white lines that allow me to forget about how I fucked everything up- again.
I push through my kitchen past a group of girls taking shots from each other’s breasts. A couple of guys film them with their phones, but the girls don’t seem to care. People call out to me and wave, but my mind is foggy. The tequila must literally be filling my skull, because it sloshes from side to side and pushes my balance off. Walking through the dining room, I spot Evelyn’s stepbrother standing by himself in a corner. The house is packed, but he has managed to find the one corner of space that is not occupied by fifty people. He looks completely sober; I decide to join him.
“Alex, right? What’s up man?”
He looks at me and forces an awkward smile onto his face. “Nothing much. Great party.”
“Thanks.” I nod. “That’s why you’re standing in the corner?”
He chuckles and shifts his weight. “I just-“
“You need to loosen up.” I pat him on the shoulder and hand him the cup in my hand. “Here, take this. Most people pay two bucks for a cup. But you can have it. Free of charge.”
“Thanks man.” He takes a long swig, clearly trying to impress me. I pretend that it does.
“Pretty good, right?”
He nods.
“Now go have some fun,” I demand. “Get out of this corner.”
He heads into the massive crowd that is leading into the living room. I stand there in the corner for a few seconds to gain my balance. I gave him my beer because I don’t need anymore. I can feel the alcohol and the drugs in every hair on my body, every ounce of blood in my veins. I am sailing on a tequila ocean, with vicious marijuana piranhas biting at my skin.
I make my way towards the front of the house, ignoring the people yelling my name. In the foyer, Ruby is standing with her annoying friend Arianna. The red dress she is wearing is completely not her style. But that is a good thing. It hugs her curves, rests high on her thighs. Her curls tumble over her bare shoulders, which seem to be shimmering in the dim light. She is stunning.
Before I can stop myself, I put my hand on her shoulder. She turns around quickly, and her face reads total discomfort.
“You made it!” I smile.
She smiles back and I let my body relax with hers. “Yeah, I did.”
Arianna leaves us standing there. For a few seconds, we are silent. My ex-girlfriend, the girl I was sure I would marry a year ago, stands before me a completely different person. And I’m sure she sees me as completely different, too.
“I’m really glad you came,” I mumble.
“Thanks.” She looks past me at the people dancing in the living room. “I wasn’t expecting anything this insane.”
I force down a swig of tequila and nod. “Yeah, word really got around fast. I don’t even want to think about having to clean this place up tomorrow.”
“Yeah, good luck with those carpets,” she chuckles.
We both stare at each other awkwardly before I break the gaze. “Look, thanks for coming. Let me know if you need anything.” I touch her arm and something fizzles on my fingertips. It is not the same electric shock I used to feel every time I touched her. But there is something there.
I cannot tell if she feels it too, but she just mutters, “Thanks.”
“Brian!” Lex peeks his head around the corner. “We need another keg, dude. And more ping pong balls.”
“Got it.” I turn back to Ruby. “I’ll see you later, Rubes.”
“Bye,” she nearly whispers.
I follow Lex outside and around the side of the house, where he has parked his dad’s truck. There are three kegs left in the back, and I hope they will last us for the rest of the night.
“We’re making bank off of this shit,” Lex tells me. “Can’t wait to count it in the morning.”
“Sweet,” I say. “After the football team cleans up.”
“True that.” We pull one of the kegs off of the bed of the truck and walk it around to the back of the house. “Let’s light up after we get this one going,” he suggests.
I do not oppose, do not deny his offers of weed. Although I am floating up high enough, I can’t possibly resist the urge to go higher. There is a line of kids waiting to fill their cups from the tap. We put the keg down and Michael takes care of it from there.
“Let’s go,” Lex says.
I follow him several yards away to the swing set that sits in the very back of the huge yard. I played on it all of my childhood, and my dad never got around to taking it down once I grew out of it. Lex and I sit down in the miniature swings and he packs a bowl full of weed.
“This party is crazy,” he says and lights the tuft of herbs. He pulls a long drag before handing the bowl to me.
“For sure.” I light the bowl and pull so hard I can feel the ashes on the back of my throat and lungs. I think I may have literally burnt a hole in my chest. I hold the smoke in for as long as I can, cough a couple of times, and let the it wind back out of my mouth. My eyes cross, it is such a good hit.
We finish the bowl in silence and my head is spinning. I can’t feel any part of my body. I simply jump out of my own skin and spin around in the grass, swirl up into the sky and bounce on the silver stars.
“Hey Brian.” A voice shakes me out of my oblivion and sends me tumbling back into my body.
I squint my eyes to try to figure out who is standing in front of me. The lights from the back porch cast dark shadows and all I can see is messy hair and wide hips.
“Can I get a hit?” The voice asks.
It is Janey Boyd. She steps closer and finally I see her face. Lex stands up from his swing and shakes his head.
“Sorry girl, we’re all done.”
“Damn,” she mutters.
“Maybe next time,” Lex says. “Why don’t you go on back to the party?”
“I just wanted to talk to Brian for a few minutes.” Janey sits down in the empty swing and stares at me. “Is he alright?”
“Dude is gone,” Lex tells her. “He ain’t gonna do much talking right now.”
“Well, I’m special.” Janey pushes herself slowly on the swing. “Isn’t that right, Brian?”
I stare at her. I think plenty of thoughts; several sentences circulate through my mind. But none of them come out. They stand in a line on my tongue, waiting to dive off. But they all chicken out. And I am left with Janey staring at me, waiting for an answer.
Lex busts out laughing, like the asshole that he is. He laughs so hard for a solid fifteen seconds. I don’t look at him, but Janey turns to him. I see her eyes gloss over with tears. But the sentences still do not jump.
“You ain’t special, girl.” Lex dumps the cashed marijuana into the grass and stuffs the glass bowl into his pocket. “You’re just another dollar.”
Janey looks at me for denial, for some sort of opposition. She begs me with her eyes to tell her that Lex is wrong, that she is special. But although I could consider her a friend, I know that is not what she wants to hear. So I seal my mouth and push all of the sentences down my throat and back into the shallow end.
She swallows hard and stands up from the swing. Without another word, she pushes past Lex and hurries towards the party.
“Fucking girls,” Lex mumbles. “You ready?”
I shake my head slowly and turn it back towards the sky, waiting for myself to lift off and run away. He stands there for a few more seconds before turning back to help with the keg. I push myself in the swing and keep my head towards the sky. The stars sparkle like Ruby’s shoulders. I wonder how she did that. I think about Janey and how her crush on me must have been completely obvious. So why am I only realizing it now? And why am I such an asshole that cannot even properly deny a girl? My thoughts push past Ruby’s golden shoulders and Janey’s puppy crush, and on to Lily’s perfect lips. The ones that I want to kiss so badly, but never got the chance to.
Lex was right. Fucking girls. They can make a man crazy.
My thoughts stay on Lily for a while. Her lips, her brown eyes- the emotion in them. Her hair and her soft skin. The way her nose scrunches every time I move closer to her. The way she resists me, although I know she can feel it too. Her willpower is much stronger than mine. She can easily say no. She can tell what is toxic, what is bad for her. While I willingly let every bad thing pour into my soul and drain me of everything that is good. Yes, she has willpower. She is strong. But I can break her of that.
Everyone has a breaking point.

Time creeps by so slowly when you are high. Time can play crazy tricks on your mind when you are cross-buzzed on too much alcohol and a cabinet full of drugs. I finally make my way back into the house once some of the meth and weed wears off. The tequila is still drowning my head, making it impossible to make clear thoughts. But I can function alright, so I decide to find Janey to apologize. I’m not sure what I need to apologize for, but it seems appropriate.
Before I find Janey, I find myself in the middle of the dance floor. People dance around me from all sides to a song that is thick with bass and erotic beats. I try to push past them, but they do not stop touching me. Suddenly the music stops and everyone groans.
“Come on, dude!” A guy calls from behind me.
The lights come on in the living room and Manny Aviles pushes through the crowd. Everyone gets quiet. He is dressed in baggy jeans and a plain white tank top. Several of his friends crowd around behind him. His face his hard, his fists clenched. He looks around the room.
“Where is Riley Sutton?”
Nobody answers.
“Dude, you need to leave.” I step forward. “I don’t know where Riley is, but this is my house. And you guys need to go.”
The noise that comes from within him is not human. I don’t know what it is, but it scares me so badly that I nearly piss myself. He steps forward.
“I don’t care whose house this is,” he growls in his thick accent. “I want to know where that little bitch is.”
James from the football team steps forward. “We’re just trying to have a good time, man. Go home.”
Manny steps toward him and raises his fist. On impulse, I grab his arm. He turns around and hits me so hard, I am sure my body will shut down. His fist cracks against my temple and sends me flying to the floor. Almost instantly, everything is black. I hear someone scream before everything goes silent.
“Fight!”

When I wake up, my head is blaring. It sounds like the music is still playing, only just the bass- and only by my right temple. A couple of people are crouched around me. Some others are huddled in a group a few feet away.
“The police are on their way.” James hangs up his phone and paces back and forth across the room. “Ambulance too.”
“Brian, can you hear me?” The face above me is so familiar that I nearly cry. Her voice floats into my head so softly.
Lily.
“Brian, answer me.” Her tears spill on my neck and face.
“I can hear you.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Ethan stands up a few feet away and covers his face. “This isn’t happening. This is not happening.”
“Where the hell is Samantha?” Ivy pulls her phone out and presses a few keys.
Everything is happening in a swirl of colors and bodies and voices that I recognize but cannot process. Lily holds my head in her hands with a pack of ice pressed on the right side. She rocks back and forth.
“When did you get here?” I manage.
“I was looking for you,” is all she says.
Finally my mind starts to settle and I can process thoughts again. I have no idea how long I was out, but I do know that the house is nearly empty now. I know that the police are on the way. And I know that this is my fault. I sit up slowly.
“You probably shouldn’t be moving.” Crash sits on his knees next to me. “Manny got you pretty good.”
“Really?” I hold the ice to my head. “I hadn’t noticed.”
I stand up and catch my balance. The room is still spinning, but not as badly as it was before. Lily stands up next to me. The coppery taste of blood swirls around my tongue and I realize my lip is cut. Blood stains the front of my shirt.
“What are you doing?” Lily touches my arm.
“I’ll be back.”
Somehow, being knocked out makes one completely sober. Besides my pounding head, I feel no remnants of the meth, the weed, or the alcohol that was just floating through my system moments ago. I hurry up the stairs, despite Lily’s pleas to stay downstairs with her. I make my way to my room to stash my weed and pills in the bathroom just to be safe.
I open the bathroom door to find Ruby sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Gabe DeCarteret is lying at her feet, his forehead covered in sweat.
“Get out of here,” I say. My breath is getting harder to catch. “And take the geek with you.”
Panic spreads across her face when she sees me. “Brian, what happened to you? What’s going on?”
I steady my breathing for a second before I answer.
“The cops are on their way.”
She gasps and immediately enters panic mode. I help her get Gabe off of the floor and out into the hallway.
“Are you alright?” She asks me. “You don’t look good.”
“I’m fine,” I assure her. “Just get him out of here.”
But I am not fine. My head is spinning again. The blood is still seeping into my mouth and onto my shirt. I watch Ruby descend the stairs with Gabe holding onto her. I thought that I was sober, that I was okay. But everything is still there. The ocean of tequila comes back in crashing waves, filling my head with a frothy, doped up mist. The pain from Manny’s blow is only making things worse. I am going to be sick. I barely make it into my dad’s bathroom before my face hits the cold linoleum. Everything goes silent and black again. Someone touches me, but I do not respond. I reach out, but the drugs pull me farther and farther under.

I am drowning.