October 12: Samantha

Samantha


“Hold still.” My mom pulls the measuring tape around my chest and clucks her tongue. “This can’t be right.” She pulls it tighter.
“Mom, I can’t breathe.” I roll my eyes. “I’ve got boobs. It happens.”
“You’ve gained two inches.” She finally releases the tape and I suck in a breath. “That’s just not normal.”
“Mom, I’ve got to go to school.” I move away from the mirror.
“We’ve got to get you fitted for your dress, Sammy. The New Year’s Ball is just a few weeks away.”
“Two and half months, Mom.” I pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. “It’s in two and a half months. I’ve got time.”
“Not if you don’t stop gaining weight, you don’t.” She rolls up the tape and stares at me.
I pick up my bags and hurry downstairs. She follows me into the kitchen and slams the tape on the counter.
“Are you listening to me, Samantha?”
“I hear you, Mom.” I open the refrigerator and grab a cup of yogurt. “I hear you. Are you coming to the game?”
“I’m going to try,” she sighs and opens a bottle of water. “Your dad is working late tonight and I’ve got a lot to do as well.”
“It’s the first game,” I remind her. “My last first game ever.”
“I understand, Sammy. I said I would try, what more do you want?” She stares at me with hard blue eyes.
I give up. “I’m going to school.”
“What about breakfast?” Mom puts her hands on her hips.
“I’ll eat it on the way.” I make sure I slam the front door hard enough for the glass to rattle.
Once I’m out of the neighborhood, I throw the yogurt out of the window and keep driving. Hot tears collect in my eyes but I push them back and turn up the radio. When I get to school, I fix my makeup and force myself to smile. Anderson’s truck is parked in his reserved spot but he is nowhere around. I hurry into school and prepare for the rush of people.
“Oh my God!” Lena grabs my hand and pulls me into the mob. “I am so excited for tonight! What are you wearing?”
“I’m not sure.” I push a smile onto my face.
“We were thinking we could all get ready at Ivy’s place,” Reece says.
“So after school we can all go home and get clothes.”
“Sounds good.” I nod.
A few seconds later Anderson comes up behind me and my heart flutters. “Hey beautiful,” he whispers in my ear.
“Hey.” I turn to him and hug him tighter.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, my mom’s just being a bitch this morning.” I run my hands over his letterman’s jacket. “You ready for tonight?”
“You know it,” he assures me. “You excited?”
I roll my eyes. “Thrilled.”

Pep rally days are easy for atheletes. Most teachers worship us (except Mr. Fossett, who chooses today to have his first exam), so we get to relax. In Psychology, Riley makes it a point to go in after me so that he can sit as close to me as possible.
He walks in just before the bell rings and sits in the desk behind me. “Will I get to see you sling those pompoms today?” He whispers in my ear.
“You’re disgusting,” I say.
“Don’t be like that.” He touches my back and I flinch. “I was just kidding. I’m grateful to your kind for getting me out of school early.”
“My kind?” I turn around.
“Yeah. Athletes, preps, rich douche bags.” He winks. “Should I continue?”
“Shut up, Riley.”
When the bell rings, I walk as quickly as I can to meet Anderson for lunch. Riley doesn’t try to keep up and for some reason that makes me angry. Anderson and our friends are waiting at their lockers.
“We’ve gotta hurry up and eat,” James says. “Coach wants us in the locker room ASAP.”
Ivy nods. “We’ve got to eat fast too.”
In the cafeteria, the boys shove nachos in their mouths while the girls and I pick at carrots and celery. I sip on a Red Bull and take a few bites of Anderson’s food when he’s not looking.
“My mom is already bugging me about a dress for the ball,” I say. “Like it’s not two months away.”
“Please.” Ivy rolls her eyes. “My mom had my dress ordered weeks ago. Let’s hope I can still fit in it.” She throws down a cracker and sighs.
“Same here.” Lena nods.
“What color are you guys wearing?” Reece asks.
“Mine is yellow.” Lena says.
Ivy puts on a coat of lip gloss. “Pink of course.”
I let them talk about dress colors for as long as I can stand it. A few minutes later I stand up and brush off my jeans.
“We better get going.”
The girls stand up and follow me out of the cafeteria. The boys catch up and Anderson wraps his arm around me.
“I wanted to ask you something.”
“What?”
He smiles. “Will you be my date to the after party tonight?”
I roll my eyes. “Of course.”
He kisses my cheek and once we are in the gym, the guys go to their locker room and we go to ours.
“Let’s get this shit over with.” Lena opens her locker and strips down to her underwear.
“Hey, at least I’m getting out of calculus.” Reece pulls her shirt over her head and stares at herself in the mirror. I can see her ribs. I turn away and change into my red and white uniform.
“Picture!” Ivy pulls out her camera once we are all changed. We get in front of the mirror and she snaps a shot.
They squeal over the picture for a few minutes before I shoo them out of the locker room for stretching. Once we’ve warmed up, the girls take their place at the bottom bleachers and talk amongst themselves. I pull out my cell phone and check a text from my dad.
Sorry I can’t make it to the game. Cheer well.
Typical.
“Hey Sam.” I look up and see Jeoff Kente.
“Hey Jeoff!” I hug him. “What’s up? You excited about the game?”
He nods. “Oh yeah. I’m a little worried though.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I’ve got to go home for a doctor’s appointment and I don’t know if my mom is going to be able to bring me back in time for the game. So I’m screwed, I guess.”
He stares at the ground and I sigh. “That sucks. Well I could pick you up.”
He looks up at me and smiles. “Are you sure? I mean I know you have practice and everything,” he stutters. “I don’t want to be a hassle.”
“Are you kidding?” I pat his arm. I don’t know why he didn’t just ask. Boys. “That’s what friends are for. Where should I pick you up?”
“The health clinic on Twenty-third?”
I think about where that is. Somewhere that both Anderson and my dad would kill me if they knew I was there alone.
“My appointment is at four-thirty, so I should be done by five if they are on time.”
“Sounds good.” I nod. What Anderson doesn’t know won’t hurt him. “I’ll be out there at five. I don’t have to be here until six, so it’s no big deal.”
“Thanks so much, Sam.”
“No problem!” I pat his arm again. “I’ve got to go find Anderson. I’ll see you tonight.”
I walk into the boys’ locker room without any hesitation. The boys are hollering in the back and I take my time. I hear the snap of a towel and a voice I don’t recognize.
“You’re pathetic.”
All of the guys go crazy. When I turn the corner, I see Anderson standing in front of someone much shorter than him. Anderson raises his hand and I stomp my foot.
“What the hell is going on?”
The whole team turns around and Anderson steps out of the way. I see Alex Reid standing in the corner behind him like a scared dog.
“Baby,” Anderson smiles, “what are you doing in here?”
“Leave him alone,” I push past him. “You guys need to leave that poor freshman alone.”
James laughs. “Don’t be such a girl. We’re just initiating him, making him part of the team.”
I tap my foot. “Did you get your ass whipped with a towel when you were a freshman, James, or did they skip that part? Maybe you need a spanking too.”
James stands up and holds his arms out. “You can spank me any day, sweetheart.” The team laughs.
I turn to Anderson. “I expected more from the captain.”
“It’s just the way it is.” He shrugs. “It’s my job as captain to put freshmen in their place.”
My face gets hot. “Alright, maybe I didn’t expect more from the captain. Maybe I expected more from my boyfriend.”
Anderson puts his head down.
“If you want a place in my life, then you will put that towel down right now.” My voice gets lower. “My boyfriend is not a bully.”
The room is silent. I can tell that Anderson is pissed, but finally he throws the towel down.
“Whatever.”
He storms out of the locker room and I smile at Alex. Alex just stares at the ground and I give the boys a hard look before following Anderson.
“Slow down,” I say to him once we are out of the locker room. He opens the door and steps outside.
“Anderson.”
“Do you realize how embarrassing that was?” He turns to me with a red face.
“What, that you were picking on a freshman that looks up to you? I'd be embarrassed too.” I put my hands on my hips. “He wants to be you, Anderson.”
He crosses his arms and huffs.
“I don’t know why anyone would want to be you after that performance.” I point towards the gym. “Maybe I shouldn’t have handled it like that. But you are not a bully; that’s not you.”
“I know,” he mutters.
“The team follows you.” I put my arms around his waist. “All I’m saying is that it’s time for us to grow up.”
“I know,” he says again.
“I’m sorry.” I bat my eyelashes and he cracks a smile.
“I’m sorry too.” He hugs me and kisses the top of my head. “I’m not a bully, I’m just an idiot.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “Yeah, you are. I’ve got to go stretch. Do great out there.” I pat his butt and he laughs.
“Will do.”
During the pep rally, I put on my best fake smile and cheer at the top of my lungs. We do routines while the band plays pep tunes. When it is finally our turn to perform, Ruby gives us a quick introduction.
“I want you to give it up for our cheerleaders. They have put together a great routine to get you guys pumped for the game. I will hand the microphone over to the captain, Miss Samantha West.”
She smiles and hands me the microphone. “Thanks girl,” I say before putting the microphone up to my mouth. “Hey everybody! I’m Samantha and I’m the captain of the cheerleading squad.”
The crowd goes crazy and I keep my smile screwed tightly on my face. “I want you to put your hands together for me and my girls, and let’s show our team just how pumped we are for them!”
The students scream and the girls shake their pompoms around me. We breeze through our routine with perfect dismounts and formations. When we’re done, we make a tunnel for the football team.
Ruby introduces them and they run through our pompoms. Anderson gives a good speech; but like mine, it is strained. As the crowd screams for him, I see right through his red and white jersey and into his soul. He is miserable as the rest of the team crowds around him, just as I am miserable when Ivy and Reece scream in my ears.
“Let’s go Red!” I throw my arms in the air and shake my pompoms. We throw confetti around the gym and the whole room erupts into cheers and applause. I keep my smile and Anderson winks at me. His red carpet girlfriend, a prized, trophy actress.
I deserve an Academy Award.

Once the pep rally is over we go back into the locker room. I decide not to change out of my uniform and so do the rest of the girls.
“You guys want to go to El Pacifico?” Ivy asks. “I’m craving Mexican.”
“I’ve got some stuff to do before the game,” I tell her.
“What stuff?” Jade asks.
“Well, I’ve got to go home and get clothes and stuff for tonight.” I look at them. “And I’ve got some other stuff to do.”
“Whatever,” Lena shrugs. “I’m not hungry anyway.”
“You guys can still go,” I insist. “I don’t have to be around just for you guys to do something.”
“It’s no biggie.” Ivy shakes her head. “We’ll just go another time.”
I roll my eyes and hurry out of the locker room before I punch all of them. Anderson isn’t around anywhere so I walk to my car alone and I like it that way. People call to me from all angles but I just smile and keep walking.
When I get home the house is empty. I turn on my stereo in my room and lay down on the bed. My phone vibrates but I ignore it. When I find myself dozing off, I get up and walk into my closet. I pull out the first black dress I see and a gray jacket. I stuff them into a bag along with silver flats and a necklace and zip up the bag.
My stomach growls as I walk down the steps but I ignore it and pass the kitchen. Once I’m in the car, I decide to stop by the soup kitchen. It is close to the free health clinic, so I swing by.
I help Joan and the other volunteers cut up vegetables to make soup. Mack and I set up the tables and he asks me about school. I lie and tell him everything is going great, that I love school and I am excited for the football game.
The usuals start showing up around 4:30. I sit down and talk to them and Louis tells me not to do anything crazy tonight. He is tells me about one of his championship games until I cut him off.
"Well, I'd love to stay boys. But I've got a game to get to."
I leave quickly and take the long way to the clinic. When I get there, Jeoff is waiting outside.
“Hey Jeoff.” I beep the horn and he hurries to the car. Once he is in I pull out of the lot.
“Everything okay?”
“Oh yeah, everything is fine.” He turns to me. “I just had to get a physical. Basketball, you know.”
“Right.”
I hurry through the ghetto and back into the main part of the city. People look at me like I’m crazy, but I don’t mind. My stomach claws at me, begging for food like a hungry dog. I rub my hand over the flesh that peeks through my uniform. My mom would die if she knew I ate fast food.
All the more reason to get it.
“I’m starving.” I look at Jeoff. “I think I’m gonna stop at Sonic.”
“Okay.”
A few minutes later I pull into the Sonic drive-thru and order mozzerlla sticks and a cherry limeade. My mouth waters when she reads the order back to me.
“Do you want anything?” I turn to Jeoff.
He shakes his head. “I forgot my wallet at home.”
Liar. “Well you can’t go all night without eating.” I look at his wiry body, too small for his extra large shirt. “What do you want? I’ll get it for you.”
“You really don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
“Jeoff,” I sigh. “Shut up.”
He laughs. “Number seven. Coke.”
I order him a large number seven with a coke and pull up to the window. The cashier hands me my credit card and our food. She looks at me, then at Jeoff. Her face tells me she’s wondering what he’s doing there, but I smile at her.
“Thank you. Have a good day.” I drive off before she can say anything else. “Eat up.” I hand Jeoff his drink.
The first bite of my food tastes so good that I almost swerve off of the road. The cheese is hot in my mouth and I chew it slowly. I slurp down the cherry limeade. The grease and sugar settles in my stomach and the puppy stops growling. Jeoff eats his food fast and I give him my last two mozzerella sticks. When we pull into school, I am full and guilty.
Jeoff opens his door and gets out. “Thanks for the ride, Sam.”
I pull my bag out of the trunk and smile. “Anytime. Good luck out there tonight.”
“Yeah, you too,” he mumbles.
I dump the rest of my cherry limeade out and run into school with my bag over my shoulder. I decide that if I don’t give the calories time to settle, they will disappear before my mom can find them with her tape measurer.
I go into the locker room where the girls are all straightening their hair and covering their eyes with glitter.
“There you are,” Lena says. “We’ve been calling.”
“Sorry,” I mutter. “Can you braid my hair?”
She smiles and I sit down between her legs. She twists my hair back into a tight braid and ties a red and white bow at the end. We take turns painting the letters ‘FPHS’ on each others’ cheeks. The girls giggle and talk about their dates for the party, but I mostly keep quiet and poke at my guilty stomach.
“Let’s go,” I say once we are all ready. We walk quickly down to the stadium to start our stretches. I let Lena run the stretches and I take over to practice our cheers. We go over a few stunts and soon the stands start to fill up.
When the band marches down, we take our position on the home sideline. We stand with our arms behind our backs during the prayer and National Anthem. The band marches into a tunnel and we connect to them. I shake my pompoms while the team gets pumped up in the inzone. Anderson chants something and the team calls it back.
The crowd goes crazy when the team runs through the banner that Ivy and Jade hold at the end of the tunnel. I shake my pompoms and scream at the top of my lungs. We cheer on the sidelines and keep the crowd on their feet. We impress them with our stunts and flips. With every back flip, every twist and tuck, I pray that my ankle will give. I’ve become perfect at my flips. I couldn’t mess up if I tried.
I search the stands for my mom, but don’t see her anywhere in the sea of red and white. She wouldn’t be wearing either of those anyway. I clap my hands together and smile as Ivy and Maya lift me into a stunt. They toss me up and air swirls around me when I cross my arms over my chest and twist into their arms. Their arms don’t give. I don’t fall.
When the game is over, the team crowds around the band. The cheerleaders hover around them and shake their pompoms and squeal while the band plays. Anderson finds me and picks me up. I kiss his cheek and he spins me around.
“You were great,” I say into his ear.
“I love you.” He smiles at me and puts me down when the rest of the team runs towards the field house.
I follow the squad back to the locker room. They are still screaming and my head starts to hurt.
“This season is going to be amazing!” Ivy jumps up and down and shakes her pompoms.
“Now it’s time to get wasted.” Lena shimmies out of her skirt and pulls her jeans on.
“Amen!” Reece throws her hands up. She bumps her hip against mine and smiles.
Jesus save us.

We shower and get dressed at Ivy’s house. Her house is almost as big as mine, but her bedroom is huge. I pull my dress on and decide to leave my hair curly. Ivy’s mom mixes us all a glass of cranberry juice and Grey Goose. Jade declines because she’s driving. They all dress in bright colors and slather makeup all over their faces. Reece wears the bra that pushes her boobs up and says if that doesn’t get Zack’s attention, she doesn’t know what will.
The boys come by around eleven-thirty and we follow them to James’s house. By the time we get there, things are already crazy. Anderson opens my door and holds his hand out.
“You look great.” He winks and pulls me close. He is dressed in a flannel button up and dark jeans.
“You too.”
He grabs my hand and I follow him into James’s house. The place is big and his parents are away on a church retreat. Several of our friends are standing outside on the porch. They cheer and raise their glasses when we walk up the steps.
“What’s up fellas?” Anderson nods to them.
Ethan and Tommie stop to shake their hands while the rest of us go inside. Many of the people in the house are already drunk or high or both. Music bumps thick with base and rattles the picture frames hanging on the walls. I wonder where Gabe is, but before I can investigate it Ivy puts a beer in my hand and Anderson pulls me onto the dance floor.
We dance in the dark living room, our bodies touching those of the people around us. He keeps his hands tight around my waist and I run mine up and down his arms. I sip the beer for the first few minutes, but eventually I put it down and focus on moving with him. After several minutes of dancing, Ethan pulls on Anderson’s arm.
“We’re up for beer pong, buddy.” He points to the kitchen.
“Alright.” Anderson nods. “I’ll be back soon.” He kisses my forehead.
“Go,” I insist.
He and Ethan get on a winning streak. They end up playing beer pong for most of the night. I mix a drink in the kitchen and search for my friends. Jade stands right next to Ethan, cheering every time he sinks a cup. Ivy is in the foyer with Tommie. He’s rebounding hard and she’s probably grateful for the attention.
David showed up so Maya is somewhere upstairs with him. Reece and Zack sit on the stairs, making out and pulling on each others’ clothess. I hurry past Tommie and Ivy and open the front door. The porch is empty so I sit down in one of the rocking chairs and take a long drink of my pineapple juice laced with rum.
I hear the screen door open and Gabe walks out onto the porch. He looks at me and smiles.
“Nice night, huh?”
“Sure.” I nod and take another drink.
“Sorry if you wanted to be alone. I couldn’t take the sex noises anymore. And the weed messes with my allergies.”
“It’s cool.” I shrug. “This is your house.”
He sits down in the chair next to me and rocks. I hold out my cup to offer him a drink but he declines.
“Not my thing.”
“Mine either,” I admit.
We are silent for a few minutes before he looks at me. “What’s it like to be a star?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I mumble. “I’m just a cheerleader.”
“Yeah, but everybody loves you.” Gabe sighs. “I dream of that. I hope that one day people love me as much as they love you.”
“Be careful what you wish for.” I pour the rest of my drink out in the bushes and lean my head back. “Be careful.”
He doesn’t say anything else and neither do I. We sit there in silence and I close my eyes. I can’t fathom someone wanting to live like me, have my life. I consider asking Gabe what he considers a star. Instead I stare up at the stars and think of everything I’m doing and everything that I could be doing. The lies and fake smiles are becoming nauseating. And like each star in the sky, eventually I am going to burn out.

I vow to find my light again.