October 12: Anderson

When you’ve got a monster living inside of you, the best way to satisfy him is to feed him with empty carbohydrates and protein promises. If I can do that, the monster will usually stay in his place- tucked behind my ribcage, asleep on my puffy heart. But the monster is growing. Fast. And as his appetite increases, it becomes more and more difficult for me to keep him satisfied. So sometimes he erupts, explodes. He beats at my ribs, uses my heart as a trampoline, and pounces his way through my chest and up my throat. The consequences for not keeping him satisfied are grave.
And God help anyone who is in his path when he gets out.
My monster is exceptionally hungry today. It is game day, and he is ready to play. He bounces around in my chest. I chug water to try to keep him down. Starting the day off with a pop quiz in US History and a test in English are not exactly my ideas of school spirit. I walk out of my English class after the bell rings, knowing that I just made my first F.
“Will you slow down?” Samantha hurries after me in short, quick strides. “It wasn’t that bad, Anderson.”
“Easy for you to say,” I sneer. “Fossett worships the ground you walk on.”
“I took the same test you did.” She pulls on my book bag. “Maybe you should have studied, rather than playing video games all night.”
I spin around. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a little kid!”
The smile on her face disappears. People in the hallways stare at us for several seconds before continuing about their business.
“I wasn’t,” she insists. “It was a joke, Anderson. Just a joke.”
The monster simmers in my throat like hot acid. Her cool blue eyes wash over me and my breathing slows down. She is hurt, and the real Anderson feels terrible. The monster creeps back down into my chest for now. False alarm; kind of.
“I’m sorry.” I reach for her hand but she pulls away.
“Yeah,” she mumbles. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
With that, she walks down the hall. I feel like ramming my head into my locker, but that would mean that the monster won. Instead, I switch out my books and chug half a bottle of water. The water does not seem to be doing much good.
Apparently the monster is a great swimmer.

By the end of chemistry, I am dying to see Samantha. I need to make sure she is not actually mad at me. I ditch my lab partner as quickly as I can and try to beat the crowds out of the science building. James and Ethan are waiting at our lockers with Ivy and Lena.
“Does Jade have a date to the party?” Ethan asks Ivy.
She shrugs. “I don’t know, Ethan. Why don’t you ask her?” She points at Jade and Reece, who walk up with Tommie and Zack. “Hey, Jade-“
“Shut up!” Ethan puts his hand on her mouth and everyone laughs.
“What’s up?” Jade tucks her hands in her back pockets.
Ethan’s face turns bright red and everyone gets quiet. He is such a chicken. I look at James, who pats Ethan on the back.
“Ethan was just wondering if you wanted to come to my party tonight…” He smiles wide. “With him.”
Everyone stares at Jade. She blushes. But the girl is cool, and she knows how to hold her own in this crowd.
“Sure,” she shrugs like it’s nothing. As if it’s a secret that those two have been crushing on each other since we were sophomores.
“Great.” James squeezes Ethan’s shoulder. “Now was that so hard?”
Samantha arrives a few seconds later. She walks with the girls and I don’t try to talk to her just yet. The last thing either of us will want is a big scene in front of our friends. Once we have our food, she slides into the booth beside me.
“Figured out what you’re going to say at the pep rally, Captain?” Tommie sits down across from me and takes a bite of his hamburger.
I shrug. “I’m just gonna wing it. It’s just a damn pep rally.”
“And besides,” Zack says, “they worship you. They’ll eat up anything you say.”
Ethan laughs. “I dare you to just go out there, grab the microphone, and yell ‘fuck yeah, Boomers!’ And then just walk out.”
“Dude that would be awesome!” James chugs his entire carton of milk.
I smile. “I feel like Coach wouldn’t ever let me have the microphone again.” They all laugh. And the more I think about it, maybe yelling ‘fuck it’ into the microphone isn’t such a stupid idea after all.
Samantha talks to her girls and picks at my food. She thinks I don’t notice, but I do. I notice how the skin around her elbows and knees is not as soft anymore. I notice how her collarbone juts out a little more than it used to. I notice how she never orders food, but she eats off of my plate. I notice how the areas around her eyes are darker, how her stamina is lower when we go for our Saturday morning jogs. I notice.
I let her remain oblivious to my noticing, pretend I don’t see her grabbing for my fries. I hope that with a fuller stomach, maybe she will be more receptive to my apologies. When the bell rings, she hurries off with the girls. But she will never be faster than me. I put my arm gently around her and smile. She knows it’s me and she doesn’t pull away. We walk behind our friends.
“I wanted to ask you something.”
“What?” Her voice is still a little cold.
I smile, and I know she won’t be able to stay mad. “Will you be my date to the after party tonight?”
She rolls her eyes and I know I’ve got her. “Of course.”
And just like that, the fight is over. Nobody suspects a thing about my angry monster or her reactions. All they see is Five Points’ hottest couple, walking intertwined and perfectly in love into the gym to get ready for their VIP party. Pep rallies may as well be just that- a celebration of me and all of the nothings that I have done. I separate with my better half to put on my uniform and get hyped with the guys.
“Alright boys, let’s get pretty.” The guys laugh and we start shedding our clothes and putting on our jerseys.
“What are you doing in here, Frosh?” James asks. I turn around and see Alex standing by the linen closet. He is holding a handful of white towels.
“Getting the towels for tonight.” He opens the door but before he can put them away, I snatch one off the top of the stack. A few of them fall to the floor.
“Give me that!”
“Who are you talking to like that?” I inch towards him.
“Can you just give me the towel, please?” He rolls his eyes. “Seriously, how old are you?”
A couple of the guys snicker behind me, which sets me off. I can feel the acid starting to boil as the monster wakes up from his hiding spot.
“I told you to watch the way you talk to me, Freshman.” I twirl the towel between my fingers. “Now you’re going to have to pay the consequences.”
“Whip him.” Ethan steps up beside me, shirtless.
I don’t hesitate to appease Ethan’s request. I snap the towel quickly at Alex’s shin. The snapping noise is crisp and satisfying. Even more satisfying is when Alex jumps back.
James howls. “Do it again! I don’t think he’s learned yet.”
I hit Alex again on the arm. This time, he doesn’t move. “You’re pathetic,” he says between gritted teeth.
The monster growls in my throat and urges me to pounce on Alex. The guys’ moaning in the background doesn’t do anything but set the monster off even more. I clench my fists and beg the monster to chill out. Everything ices over when I hear Samantha’s voice behind me.
“What the hell is going on?”
I turn around and see her standing in the corner of the locker room with her hands on her hips. She sexy in her tight cheerleading uniform. But she is definitely not trying to be sexy right now.
“Baby, what are you doing in here?” I force a smile.
“Leave him alone.” She looks past me at Alex. It makes me furious. “You guys need to leave that poor freshman alone.”
James cackles. “Don’t be such a girl. We’re just initiating him, making him part of the team.”
Samantha rolls her eyes. “Did you get your ass whipped when you were a freshman, James? Or did they skip that part? Maybe you need a spanking, too.”
“You can spank me anytime, sweetheart.” James winks at her and the guys laugh. The monster tells me to strangle him for talking to my girlfriend like that. But Anderson lets it slide.
“I expected more from the captain, Anderson.” She shakes her head. Her eyes are soft, pleading. They are like old, worn denim- comforting and worn.
I shrug. “It’s just the way it is. It’s my job as captain to put these freshmen in their place.”
She shakes her head. “Alright, well maybe I didn’t expect more from the captain. I expected more from my boyfriend.”
The guys all stare at me. I swallow hard.
She presses on, “If you want a place in my life, you’ll put that towel down. My boyfriend is not a bully.”
Everyone sits silently, waiting for me to make my move. As much as I want to pummel Alex for getting me into this, he is not worth losing my girlfriend over. And I can tell Samantha is serious by the way her left eye twitches a little.
“Whatever,” I mumble. I toss the towel at Alex and hurry out of the locker room.
The acid in my body is so hot that I think I could dissolve from the inside out. I hurry outside and Samantha follows me. Leave it to her to be the only person who would ever come after me while I was this angry. She knows just what buttons to push.
“Slow down,” she calls after me.
“Do you realize how embarrassing that was?” My voice is hot and harsh.
She doesn’t seem to care, because hers just as hot. “What? That you were picking on a freshman who looks up to you? I’d be embarrassed too. He wants to be you, Anderson.”
I can’t say anything because I know she is exactly right. But how do I tell her that she wasn’t watching me in the locker room? She was witnessing a monster.
“I don’t know why anyone would want to be you after that performance.” Her voice calms down. “Maybe I shouldn’t have handled it like that. But you are not a bully. That’s not you.”
“I know,” I mutter.
She smiles. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” This day has been filled with too many apologies already. “I’m not a bully. I’m just an idiot.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “Yeah you are.”

Back in the locker room, James asks me if I showed Samantha who is boss. Rather than humor him with lies or fake stories, I just shrug.
“Something like that.”
“Alright boys!” Coach comes into the locker room and claps his hands. “They’ve started the pep rally. In a few minutes, they’re going to call us out there. I want you guys to go out there as hyped up as you can be. I don’t want to see a single one of you without some spirit, do you understand?”
“Yes sir,” everyone says.
“Alright. This is cake.” He adjusts his hat. “This is the easy part. You smile, you wave, you clap, and you cheer. You remind those people why they’re dragging their asses out to see you tonight.
Anderson,” he looks at me. “You know what you’re going to say out there?”
“Sure thing, Coach.” I nod.
“Alright, let’s do this.”
We all put our hands in and say a chant before following the coach out into the small hallway between our locker room and the gym. I watch as Samantha gives her speech with grace and poise. She is a natural. After the band plays a song, Ruby finally announces that it is our turn. The guys start to get antsy behind me.
“Put your hands together for Coach Allen Barnes and the Five Points Boomer varsity football team!”
The school erupts. School spirit is definitely not an issue. The gym is a sea of red and white. Confetti falls over our heads as we jog out onto the gym floor. The place is a madhouse. After a long-winded speech about Boomer pride, Coach Barnes hands me the microphone. I lied when I told him that I knew everything I was going to say. I actually have no idea. Because the things I want to say are definitely not what Coach would expect from me.
I clear my throat and tell my school what they want to hear from me. What they expect. “We want to thank everyone for the support. I love seeing all of that red and white and I hope to see more of it tonight. Go crazy. I want to see body paint, pompoms, all of it.”
Everyone laughs. The team gets them riled up for a few seconds before I finish. “This is my last first game here at Five Points. I’ve thrown a lot of footballs. I can promise you that this is the best team of the best guys I have ever played with. We are going to all the way this year. Everyone come out tonight and support us. We love you guys! Go Boomers!” The crowd goes crazy was we gather into our huddle.
“What time is it?” I yell.
“Game time,” they chant back.
“What time is it?”
“Game time!”
They never stop cheering as more confetti falls and we finish our chant. We scurry back into the locker room while everyone else starts to exit the gym. For them, it is over for a few hours. But for me, I’ve got weights to lift and plays to review. Today is my day. Everyone is depending on me, and I can’t let them down. Not my coach, not my team, not my school. Not my dad.
For me it is never over.
Game time is right.

Sometimes when I’m playing football, I forget that I hate it. I get wrapped up in the glimmer of the lights, the taste of sweat and dirt, the roar of the crowd, and the intensity of the moment. Tonight is a reminder of why I started to love football in the first place. Every play is a rush, a risk. Coach yells plays at me and I do my best to make sure my team follows through. The stadium is packed with people covered in red Five Points gear. Samantha is on the sidelines with her squad cheering away. She soars through the sky beautifully during their stunts.
My dad watches from his spot right on the fifty. He sits next to James’s parents, with Jenson right beside of him. I swear I can hear Jenson’s cheers over the rest of the entire stadium. He never sits down. He is my number one fan. He is holding a sign that says so: Anderson Stone’s Biggest Fan. Lexi is nowhere to be found, not that I’m surprised. And I like it better that way.
Our team is a machine. Each part is perfectly oiled, perfectly prepped so that when we come together, the machine runs effortlessly. We don’t get tired, we don’t stop pushing, we run and we run fast. The other team is good, but not good enough. By halftime, we have a strong lead.
“You guys are busting your asses out there,” Coach says. “And I couldn’t be more proud of the way that first half went. But you guys know that Woodcrest is a second half team. We have to stay smart and stay fast.”
“Yes, sir.” Our voices echo around the field house. My teammates take in long, deep breaths and chug Gatorade.
From inside, I can hear the band out on the field. I don’t know what they are playing, but I wish I could see them. I wish I could just be a spectator, watching from the stands at all of the mayhem on the field. The best thing about the game is that when I am in football mode, the monster gets his fix. He takes all of his aggressions out on the football and anyone who gets in the way of its path. The monster is calm for now. I am ready for the second half. I don’t like down time.
Down time reminds me of why I hate football.

Dad is waiting for me in the parking lot after our win. Once we are washed off and changed, the guys join me in finding all of our families, who have nothing better to do than sit in the cold and watch us throw a ball around. Whatever makes them happy.
“Andy!” Jenson runs towards me with his sign. The smile on his face is enough to make me happy. I pick him up and squeeze him.
“Hey buddy. What did you think?”
“It was awesome!” He squeals. “I made this for you.”
I put him down and he shows me the sign. The handwriting is messy and uneven, but it could possibly be the greatest thing I have ever seen.
“This is awesome, kiddo.” I ruffle his hair. “It’s going right above my bed, okay?”
“Okay!”
“Nice game, son.” Dad walks up to shake my hand. He has the dumbest grin on his face. He might be the proudest dad here. Although Ethan’s dad could give him a good run for his money.
“Thanks, Pop.” I shake his hand and move in for a hug. He hugs me for a little too long, but I don’t mind.
For some reason, I am okay with what is happening right now. My nerves are calm and the monster is asleep. I walk with Jenson and my dad to his truck. On the way, seventeen people stop me.
“Good game, Anderson!”
“Way to go, man.”
“You’re brilliant, dude!”
“See you tonight, right?”
“We’re so proud of you, Anderson.”
Yeah, I get it. I’m fucking awesome. But really all I want is to go home, make chocolate milk, and get in bed with Jenson with a Curious George book. That is his favorite thing to do. Mine too, except I never have time for it anymore.
“Going out, I’m assuming.” Dad opens the passenger door and Jenson climbs in.
“First game, Dad.” I shrug. “Celebrating is kind of mandatory.”
“I get it.” He nods. “I was in high school once too, you know. Just don’t do anything stupid, Anderson. I know you want to have a good time. But some of your friends are…”
“They’re idiots, yeah I know.” I pat him on the back. “I’ll be fine, Dad. Don’t worry about me.”
“I trust you.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Have I ever missed a game?” He chuckles. “This kid thinks he’s your number one fan. He’s sorely mistaken.”
“Hey!” Jenson squeals and Dad closes the door.
“Be good, son.” He pats my arm. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
He leaves a few seconds later and I wish I was on the back of the truck, headed home with him and my brother to the comfort of our home. But instead, I talk to a few lingering fans before getting in my own car to drive to Ethan’s house.
I love going to Ethan’s place after games. His parents order pizzas and wings, his mom makes cookies and cake. I drink two glasses of soda, which Coach would kill me for if he knew. I pile my plate with pizza, wings, potato skins, and chips. Games always leave me starving. And the monster is feeling hungry again, so I am eating for two. All of the food will make it harder to get drunk tonight, but I eat it all anyway.
I sit with Ethan, Tommie and Zack in the living room. Ethan’s dad connects his camera to the TV and plays the game. We look at each play and stuff our faces. Once we are done eating, we go upstairs to get ready. Everybody puts on their nicest shirts, the guys in polos and me in a button-up. I put on a pair of jeans that Samantha likes and some of my favorite shoes.
“I’ve got to make a stop first,” Ethan tells us when we get to the car. “My brother has all of our booze.”
We ride across town to Ethan’s brother’s apartment. It’s pretty shitty considering the way Ethan’s family lives. But Ethan explains that Charlie is the rebel in the family. He and Tommie go inside and come back out with several cases of beer.
“This should do us,” Tommie laughs.
“Yeah and David said he was bringing a couple kegs,” Zack says.
“The girls will have liquor,” I remind them.
“Yeah, we’re good.” Ethan starts the car and speeds to Ivy’s house to get the girls.

When we get to James’s house, the party is already bumping. We like to get there a little late, so that things are already going when we make an entrance. I hurry to the girls’ car to help Samantha out. Her black dress is tight and tiny. She looks so beautiful.
“You look great,” I tell her.
“You too.” She puts her hand in mine. I want nothing more than to push her back into the car and kiss her until the party is over and the sun comes up. But that is not an option. Her friends are already pulling her towards the house before I can even kiss her.
Some of our friends are smoking on the porch. The music is loud even outside, I can only imagine how it is inside. James always throws the best parties. Inside, every corner is of space is taken up by bodies. I think the entire student body may have come out to this party. I follow the guys into the kitchen to put our beers away.
“Let’s dance,” Samantha comes into the kitchen and pulls me towards the living room. The bass is thumping hard and we find the beat easily.
Sam moves like a cat, sliding her body against mine. She is sexy, but not trashy- like most of the girls around us. Her hands trail over my most sensitive spots and I chug the beer in my hand before I spill it all over her. I forget about all of the bodies around us. Her hands are the only ones I recognize on my back and arms. I run my hands over the thin fabric of her dress. Even in the dark room, her eyes sparkle and her smile screams at me. I can’t take my eyes off of her.
Ethan grabs my arm and pulls me from my intoxicated trance. “We’re up for beer pong, buddy.”
“Alright.” I turn to Samantha, who is sweating. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Go.” She pushes me lightly.
I follow Ethan into the dining room where the beer pong table is set up. We’re up against Mike and Chris, two guys on offense. Ethan is a pro at beer pong, and I’m pretty good myself. We sweep the board, skunking several teams who dare to go against us. Jade stays by Ethan’s side and cheers him on. I wonder for a second where Samantha is and realize I’m out of beer.
“Time out,” I say to our new victims. I go into the kitchen, where someone is standing at the refrigerator.
“Hey, could you throw me a beer?”
He turns around. Gabe. He looks me up and down and mouth goes sour. “Oh. Hey, Gabe.”
“Hi,” he mumbles and turns back to the refrigerator.
I haven’t talked to him since the incident in the ice cream shop. There was no point in telling him that it wasn’t me that called him those things- it was the monster. He already thinks I’m an asshole. No need for him to think that I’m crazy, too. But my dad always told me that a man admits when he is wrong. And although I’m barely teetering into manhood, I know what I need to do.
“Listen, I just wanted to say-”
“Don’t mention it.”
He throws me a can of beer and walks out of the kitchen with his nose in the air. I have to give the kid props. He’s got pride. A lot more than most of the people I know. I least I can’t say I didn’t try. I hurry back into the dining room where the guys are waiting for me.
“Finally!” Ethan looks up from Jade, who is rubbing her hands over his letterman’s jacket. “Let’s play.”
We play several more games throughout the night. I drink the beers faster than they can hand them to me. I drink for Ethan too, once he stops. Before I know it, I am swimming in a brown sea of Budweiser and Coors Light. My vision starts to get cloudy. Somehow, my aim gets even better with each drink. The monster is drunk, too. He finds his place padded beneath my heart and knocks out for the night. I let myself go and stop worrying about anything for a while.
Faces blur around me as people talk to me about the game and other pointless stuff that won’t matter tomorrow. At one point I search the house for Samantha, but nobody has seen her for a while. Sober Anderson would be concerned, but drunken Anderson follows a couple of cheerleaders out onto the dance floor with James. I let the music and the booze take me into the dark.
Sometime around three, everyone starts to leave. My vision is blurry and my head feels like it weighs a ton. But everything is fine, everything is okay.
“There she is!” Ivy points to Samantha, who is asleep on the porch in a rocking chair next to Gabe. I wonder if she has been out here the entire night.
“Come on, Doll.” I pick her up and carry her to the car. She rests her head against my chest and I wonder if she is as drunk as me. I stumble along the sidewalk and gently lay Sam in the backseat of Jade’s car.
“I’m going with David,” Maya tells us. David pulls on her arm and she follows him to his car. I don’t think anybody really cares.
Tommie leans against Ethan’s car with Ivy wrapped up in his arms. They kiss for a few seconds and she pulls away slowly.
“Damn,” Tommie mutters. “Did you know Ivy was hot?”
“Who didn’t?” Zack says from the backseat.
“Bye boys,” Ivy slurs and makes her way to Jade’s car.
Jade is still on the sidewalk talking to Ethan, who is slightly buzzed. He stopped drinking a few hours ago so he could drive us all home.
“Well I’ll see you Monday.” Jade smiles.
Ethan just nods like a dope. “See you.”
They turn away from each other without kissing or hugging. Zack and Tommie laugh in the back seat. Ethan gets in the car.
“You’re a wuss, man.” Tommie ruffles his hair. “A total wuss.”
“Timing, dude.” Ethan starts the car and pulls away. “It’s all in the timing.”
We wind through the streets of some of Chicago’s nicest neighborhoods, stopping at each of our houses. I tune out Tommie’s obnoxious singing and Zack’s jokes until Ethan shakes me awake outside of my house.
I stumble into my room as quietly as I can. Before I climb into bed, I notice that Jenson’s sign is now hung up right above my bed. It fits in perfectly with the rest of the Boomer banners and trophies. I wonder what my biggest fan would think of his big brother right now. I already know the answer to that.
Confused.
Ashamed.
Disappointed.
He would have no pride.
He would feel like me. He would know exactly what it felt like to be Anderson Stone. Without the monster, of course. And I would never want to make my little brother-my biggest fan- feel the way I do. The beer sloshes around in my stomach and knocks the monster out. Something has to change. I’ve got a beast to tame. And a kid to impress. I can’t keep feeling like this.

I vow to be proud of myself again.